


Don't Get on the Train

by ModernGirl



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Character Death, Cophine Fluffathon, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-24 14:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9753173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernGirl/pseuds/ModernGirl
Summary: After she dies, Cosima is transported to a strange place and told she has to convince a panel that her life was a remarkable and worthy one. While there she falls for a woman there to do the very same thing. With 1 month together before it all goes away, the women forge a bond that not even death can tear apart. Loosely based on Defending Your Life.T/W: Subjects of attempted suicide & sexual assault are present. Death & the afterlife are the basis of the story.





	1. Never Saw It Coming

“Hey Sarah, what’s up?” Cosima asked knowing exactly why Sarah was calling.

“You know why I’m calling, you bloody twat.” Sarah scoffed into the phone. “Kira’s birthday party is tomorrow and she wants her quote ‘favorite aunt’ unquote to be there. So you won’t disappoint her, yeah?” Sarah paused, but Cosima could tell even through her Bluetooth, the sounds of her windshield wipers, and tires hitting pockets of potholes filled with rain, that Sarah was holding her breath, coiled tight like a spring. Cosima would have to tread lightly here.

“You know, Sarah…” She hesitated. Why is she hesitating? Cosima was never one to be at a loss for words. But whenever her best friend became quiet the way Sarah was now, Cosima always bit her tongue. A little afraid maybe, a little disappointed with herself for doing what she was about to do. What she always did.

“Cos…don’t”

“Work is just…I have to" 

“Bloody hell, Cosima. No. Change it. This is Kira we’re dealing with, not one of your bleedin’ bints, yeah? You don’t get to blow her off. Not tomorrow. 

Cosima pushed through feeling the beginnings of a headache forming at the middle of her eyebrows and speedily migrating to her temples. “Sarah, I have to be on a train to Sacramento when the party starts.” One hand gestured wildly and the other gripped the steering wheel even tighter. “Maybe I can stop by on my way to the station or on my way home? I just need…”

“No, you need to get your shit together, Cos!” Sarah was screaming now. Cosima heard the screen door slam in the background which meant that Sarah was in her backyard on her way to the shed. Once she reached the shed, she would be out of earshot of the neighbors and Kira. Cosima was in for it if she didn’t placate her wild British friend quickly. 

“Ok, ok. I’ll move some stuff around to be there. 

“Sure.” Sarah spit out unconvinced. The voice came through with a slight echo, meaning she was now in the dreaded shed.

“I promise…” Cosima breathed out slowly. “I promise that I’ll be there.”

“Cos…” Sarah started, running her finger through her hair and sighing on the verge of defeat. “Please, please don’t do this to Kira. She loves you so much, alright? Just…” Sarah stopped to collect herself. The countless memories of Kira little face falling once she realized that her Auntie Cosima wasn’t coming to her ballet recital, her first piano recital, Christmas, etc. Every time Sarah made up excuses for Cosima. And Cosima would attempt to make it up to Kira the very next time she saw her with grand gestures. In that moment, Sarah wasn’t furious with Cosima though, she was heartbroken for her daughter.

“Sarah, I’ll be there.” Cosima whispered. The car behind her honked its horn aggressively because Cosima got so lost in Sarah’s breathing, the breaking of her voice that she forgot where she was and what she was doing. “Listen, I’m driving. I’ll call you later tonight, ok?”

“Sure, alright.”

She started to choke up, unsure why this conversation had her more emotional than the other verbal thrashings that she got from Sarah. Maybe Sarah’s swift tone shift did it. Maybe it was Cosima finally understood that one day Kira would stop expecting her. Stop looking at her like she was the world. That would be too much. Then she would lose more family and she couldn’t do that. “Give Kira a big hug for me.”

“Will do, geek monkey. You be careful out there it’s supposed to start raining soon. And you’re birthday’s next week and we can’t have you all car crash-y and in traction.” She laughed and Cosima joined her. 

“It’s already raining, Sarah.” Cosima deadpanned.

“Ok, genius, then get off of the phone. Look at your calendar and figure it out. Talk later, yeah?”

“Yeah ok, I love you Sarah.” 

“Me too, Cos.” 

Waiting at one of the last lights before pulling into her job’s parking lot, Cosima let her head fall gently against the steering wheel. She would have to figure something out before tomorrow. And someone, her boss or Kira would be angry about her choices. The light turned and instead of waiting to reach her office to shift her meetings around, she called her assistant while she drove.

“Rodney, Denim, and Taylor – Mergers and Acquisitions, Cosima Niehaus’ office, how may I help you?” ‘Jesus’ Cosima thought, did he really have to say that every time, poor guy.

“James, it’s me.” 

“Ms. Niehaus. How can I help you?” Good, straight to the point. One thing Cosima never had time for at the office was small talk, even with the person closest to her as her assistant was. 

“James, pull up my calendar for tomorrow. Something came up and I need to be in Sacramento later that I anticipated.

“But Ms. Niehaus, the partners personally selected you to…”

“James, I didn’t ask for commentary, I asked you to pull up my damn calendar!” She started to seethe and unexpectedly hit the accelerator lurching the car forward.

“My apologies, ma’am.” He meekly retorted.

“Here I’ll help,” Cosima was getting irritated with him instead of apologizing for losing her temper. He was used to it. After every bad night that Cosima had, without fail her behavior in the office ensured that he would have an even worse morning. She pulled out her phone while holding on the wheel effortlessly guiding it to its destination. “Ok, I can possibly move the Ginger Toys meeting to an evening dinner, if Chamber is willing to move to another, SHIT!” She screamed as the phone slipped out of her hands.

“Ms. Niehaus?” James asked worried after her sudden outburst. 

“I’m fine, my phone fell on the floor, hang on.” Ignoring the obvious lawlessness of her actions and the danger she was putting herself in in order to move meetings now instead of waiting 5 more minutes to do so, Cosima unbuckled her seatbelt and felt around the passenger side floorboard for her phone.

“Ms. Niehaus,” James buzzed in her ear. “I can make these calls now while you’re on your way to ensure that the companies are available. 

“Nah, they’ll be available.” she retorted smugly. Cosima was nothing if not excellent at her job. Her reputation for coolly putting clients at ease while making a plan to dismantle their companies was well known and respected at the firm. At this rate, in two years’ time, her name would be included in that list of partner names James dutifully recited. 

However, the sharp negotiator, the genius, the geek monkey, Auntie Cosima continued to fish around for her phone instead of keeping her eye on the road. She assumed, as was usually the case that the back roads would be clear and driving with her head down for a few moments would be fine. She never slowed down, she never looked up, and she never saw it coming.


	2. Day 1: Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima meets her counselor and has a fateful meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all you beautiful folks that read the first chapter. I love these ladies and I can't wait to ride this ride with you all. Happy reading.

“Whoa, crashed into a truck, huh? That’s harsh.” Cosima muttered. Those were the first words she thought to utter after Kevin turned off the broadcast of her funeral. Once her body was lowered into the ground, there wasn’t much else to watch. 

“Yes, I’m afraid, so Ms. Niehaus.” Kevin said simply, but eyeing her warily. He had been here before. Some of his clients appeared calm before lunging forward. Sometimes they just threw up, other times they whipped the papers off of his desk. On really bad days, they would lunge for him. There was always some signal that things would take a turn, but not with this one. She remained seated, unreadable. So he waited. 

“So, what is this place, it looks like my guidance counselor’s office.” 

“In a way it is. This office is a counselor’s office and this is a projection based on your memory of whatever your experience was. 

“Was.” Cosima breathed shakily. That was the first time she really heard about herself in the past tense. During the funeral, she registered how her chosen family were referring to her, but she never caught on until this moment. She was a ‘was’ and wouldn’t be much more than that soon enough. Kevin kept his weary eye on her, waiting for the break. But again, she just shifted in her seat, opting to observe the room they were seated in more closely. 

“I see it now. It's the office of my high school counselor’s office. Cool.” She smiled a genuine smile, all teeth and shiny eyes. “Thanks for not using the college guy’s office. He was a dick.”

“We’re aware.” Kevin said. 

“You’re aware?” Kevin patted the thin manila folder marked with her name. She nodded in understanding. “Ok, so if you have access to all of my memories, then how come my file is so small? I mean is it like hella tiny print or something?”

Despite himself, Kevin’s lips upturned slightly. He had a feeling that he would like her when he was given her file a week before she arrived. They had similar dispositions (or had when he was alive) and they might have gotten along in life. Still, he had to keep a professional distance with her as he did with all of his clients. She wouldn’t be here for long. 

Cosima, to her credit, kept the corner of her eye trained on her counselor and saw him smile and quickly adjust himself. ‘Can’t get too close, I get that’ She sighed, shaking the last of the sadness of seeing her family cry over her away to get back to why she was sitting in front of him now. 

“So, what is this place? Why am I here?” She asked knowing getting back to business gave them both an out, allowing them to stop thinking about Cosima’s fate and what she left behind. 

“Right, yes, of course.” Kevin started. Suddenly his voice changed from a distinctly Northern California accent to an accent closely resembling Sarah’s. Unexpectedly, Cosima jumped from her chair and spun towards the door. 

“What happened to your voice?!” She yelled. Unfortunately, the obvious terror she was experiencing betrayed her desire to seem angry, yet in control. 

“Ms. Niehaus, please have a seat.” He continued in this voice. “I can explain, but you have to have a seat, for both of our comfort.”

“Do you think that talking like that brings me comfort?!” She asked bewildered.

“Yes.” He responded simply. She blinked, not expecting a straightforward answer. In life, people usually soften blows, try not to hurt. Well, everyone in her life except her Sarah. She picked up the fallen chair and placed in further away from his desk. Watching him cautiously, she held her breath, afraid of the incoming inflection that mirrored for life long friend. She swallowed and waved her hand for him to continue. 

He took a breath. When he opened his mouth, he knew that his voice would still be heavily accented to match her friend’s. He had no control over it. It wasn’t his decision, but it was meant to give her some sort of peace. “Ms. Niehaus, this voice, this accent closely resembles the one person in your life that gave you comfort. The one person that you trusted more than any other, yeah? Sarah Manning, is her name, correct?”

Cosima nodded, but said nothing more, preferring to study her hands, the rings that decorated her slim digits instead of meeting his eyes. 

“Well, I’m meant to use this voice to explain the process. To provide some sort of relief through this bit. I can’t control it, so it may change depending on the circumstances. But this is the accent you need right now. So I’m going to continue. Is that alright?” 

Cosima again nodded, but said nothing. Tears gathered in her eyes, but none fell.

He continued, but his voice was softer, more personal. “This place is like a holding station until you reach the next stage.” He waited to see if she would ask any questions. Her file indicated that she was highly inquisitive, even skeptical. He cleared his schedule today because he figured he’d spend the bulk of time explaining as much of the process as he was allowed to the doe eyed dreadlocked woman. Instead, her head remained bowed, her hands clenching and unclenching, but voiceless. 

“You’ll be here a total of 34 days. In that time, you’ll review sections of your life, divided into the type of life event it was. I want to prepare you Cosima, they aren’t all pleasant memories. But you need to see them.” She looked up through the tops of her glasses but kept her head down. 

“What kinds of memories?”

“I can’t answer that specifically at this time. But before those days, you’ll visit me so that I can best prepare you.”

Looking up, he saw her glassy eyes and tried not to visibly react. “There’s no way out, is there?” she asked quietly. 

“’Fraid not.”

“Ok,” she sighed resigned to her life, if that’s what this was, “so, I watch a bunch of shitty home movies and then what? I float away? I go to heaven, hell. What’s the point of this?”

“Well, the videos are to give you a glimpse of your life, yes. A sort of reminder, but you’ll also be privy to the repercussions of your actions. You’ll be viewing all of that as well, Ms. Niehaus.”

Cosima blinked, clearly not expecting to be told that everything she did to other people would be revealed to her. “What if I don’t want to see that?” She asked through clenched teeth, preferring to return her gaze to her uncharacteristically still hands. 

“You have no choice in the matter. Besides you’ll need to know what the other side has to say about you during the trial.”

Cosima’s head whipped upward, sending her dreads swinging backwards and landing hard on her shoulders. “Trial? There’s a trial.”

“Yes, Ms. Niehaus. You’re here to defend your life.”

Suddenly, she thanked whatever entities in charge that Kevin had Sarah’s accent. Though it was still freaking her out, it brought her some sort of comfort. It was the closest to home as she was going to have. Still, if she were capable of getting headaches, she would be visited by a particularly vicious one right now. As a reflex, she rubbed her forehead to ward it off. “What does that mean exactly, defending my life?”

“Well, you’ll have to convince the panel that the life you’ve led was a good life. If you are successful, you get to move on to the next stage. The better stage.”

“What like Heaven?” She asked incredulously.

“Some people do call it Heaven, Ms. Niehaus. But it’s our own personal vision of the better stage. If God is what you wish to be a part of it, it will happen. If an unending ice cream bar is your idea of the better stage, then it will be there.”

“Sounds wonderful.” She said quietly and for the first time in several minutes, her smile returned, though it was turned way down from its pervious 100-wattage. Kevin nodded in agreement waited for the inevitable next question. 

“And if I lose? What happens if this judge-y panel deems my life too crappy to get a better stage invite?”

Kevin smiled sadly very briefly. He didn’t like this part. It was highly unpredictable. Some people found comfort in his answer, others broke down, begging on their knees for it not to be true. One of his clients attempted to open up his wrists with a letter opener, only to see the wounds close just as quickly as it split open. It didn’t change anything. Everyone had to go through the process, and depending on the life, the news could be torture. 

“If you are unsuccessful in your arguments, you’ll return to earth, reborn to try again.”

“Oh, god, really?” Cosima laughed ruefully. “I don’t know what to say to that, I’m sorry.”

He waved her off. He took a breath and she noticed it. Her full smile returned and her hands unfolded. “This,” she waved animatedly around the room, her bracelets clanging about, “this is the hard part, I’m guessing. People have a reaction to it, am I right?”

“Am I that obvious?” He asked smiling despite himself. 

“A little. Ok,” she started standing pacing. Kevin noticed it wasn’t an angry or anxious pacing. It was more in line with her personality trait. A natural curiosity, a desire to put the pieces together, compelling her to pace the room and unleash her hands from her sides. “So, I have 34 days, and the videos I guess will be used as evidence for me and the defense. So…” she stopped and cocked her head to the side trying to decide something. “I do have one question.”

“Yes, Ms. Niehaus.” 

She took a seat and cocked her head again, training her eyes onto his, and smiling. “Do I have to wear this ugly robe?” She laughed and pulled at the garment. The flowy white robe with the gold robe tied snugly around her frame, she decided, cramped her style and she wanted nothing to do with it.

It was standard issue. Everyone, including the counselors, and members of the panel wore them. It had been a long time since someone questioned the attire. “I’m afraid so. But in your private quarters, you’ll find clothes that are more, well you. They’ll only be seen there, however. Once you step out of your room, you’ll be back in your robe.”

“Well better than the alternative, right?” Kevin cocked his head, mirroring Cosima’s earlier posture. As if a light bulb had gone off over his head, he smiled. 

“Ah, yes, right no. No nudity outside of your quarters.”

“So, sex?” She asked cocking an eyebrow, face full of mischief. 

Kevin had picked a wrong time to casually take a long needed sip of his coffee. He thought the conversation was coming a close, but Cosima Niehaus was clearly starting to loosen up and display all of her quirky personality traits in their first meeting. She sat back down, her eyes never leaving his, playfully challenging him.

Then she laughed her genuine full of sweetness laugh as he attempted to wipe down his desk of the liquid that spewed from his mouth. He scowled at her, but her smile never dimmed. He could do nothing but roll his eyes and answer her questions and go over any other rules of the middle stage. 

“Yes, sex is allowed in your quarters.”

“But like what kind? Is it only like…” He cut her off with the raising of his hand before she could continue. He was getting from this line of questioning that she was now playfully testing him. To see what kind of person he was and how he would relate to a woman as cheeky as her. 

“Any kind of sex between consenting adults.” He responded as nonchalantly as he could. 

“So like…” She started again. 

“Ms. Niehaus, if you will allow me to continue to describe the process and the rules, I would be happy to answer any follow up questions.” She opened her mouth to speak again, but he interrupted her, “Within reason.” She smiled, appreciating that he was so pretty chill about her messing with him. It provided some sort of normalcy to this whole ordeal. 

They talked for a long time after he went over rules and schedules. The longer he went on, the faster her mood plummeted. Just as fast as it appear, the lightness in her eyes disappeared. This process was all so official, so clinical. It was so devoid of personal touches, it was a little disheartening. Was this all they were in the end, a file folder, a trial, and then gone? It was a little too heady, a little too much for Cosima to comprehend. She couldn’t help but to get lost in that question, is this all we are. She became so wrapped up in the one thought that when Kevin stopped talking, she didn't respond. 

“Ms. Niehaus” he asked again, touching her shoulder. When had he stood up, Cosima wondered. He was holding a book for her to take. 

“What is this? Don't tell me it’s the Handbook For the Recently Deceased.” She chuckled quietly. He looked down at her, another small smile playing on his lips. 

“Sort of.” He answered. “Read it, it gives more direct instructions on how to navigate things around here. It’s very useful.”

“You really are like Juno, aren’t you?” 

“Juno?” He asked genuinely confused by the comparison.

“You know Juno, the case worker from Beetlejuice.”

He smiled, but said nothing more. Cosima couldn’t read his expression no matter how long she held his gaze. Kevin for his part wished it was going to be a playful time for Cosima. Sure, there would be moments of joy while she was here. But someone once explained to him that this time felt like decades of therapy sessions crammed into a few days, while everyone you’ve ever wronged or wronged you, chimed in. He was certain she wasn’t ready for it, so he let her make jokes at his expense. Anything to lessen the blows to come. Still, it was time to get her settled. He moved towards the door, he noticed that she hadn’t budged. He turned back and took a seat at the edge of his desk to be closer to her. 

“How are you feeling about all of this, Ms. Niehaus?”

She first rubbed her thighs in an attempt to quell whatever was plaguing her, the feeling that pulled at her since she sat down to face Kevin for the first time. But she couldn’t run from this, so she just opened her mouth.

“I’m scared.” Her bottom lip trembled violently and she hid her face in her hands and began weeping quietly. 

He nodded in understanding. She was not unique in this regard. All of his clients expressed this at one point in the process. He did however think it would take longer for Cosima to admit it. He put his hand on her shoulder to offer some comfort. It wouldn’t take away all of the pain to come, but it was what she needed in this moment. She lifted her head and smiled sadly up at him. How many versions of that smile was she capable of, he wondered. For a moment he felt like more of her protector than her counselor and that was not strictly allowed in his position. He stood up and offered her his hand. She graciously accepted. As he moved them to the door, he offered one last piece of advice before setting her loose. 

“Ms. Niehaus, you’ve gathered so far that things are a little different here. So, I’ll tell you this now. I read in your file that you have a tendency to as you would say ‘massage the truth’. Even if you tried to do it here, it wouldn’t work. Lying is impossible. So, my advice, if you think you need to massage any truths while you’re out there, just stop talking.”

She glared at him skeptically, but accepted his advice with a head nod. He continued steering her towards the door. “Follow the arrows on the ground. They’re marked only for you and they’ll take you to your room. Until next time, Ms. Niehaus.” 

She found herself on the other side of the closed door, wanting to return to the safety of its walls. Turning around meant accepting everything he told her was real. The purpose of her being here, what she had to do, all realities if she turned her head. 

“This is stupid,” she chided herself. Taking a few deep breaths she slowly turned around. “Oh” she said, a little disappointed. This middle place looked like an ordinary big city. She wondered if this was another projection to protect all of its inhabitant’s fragile minds. If they didn't have to worry about where they were, they could focus on their trials. Still Cosima wished that this once in her (after)lifetime place she was stuck in didn’t look so ordinary. 

After visually surveying her surroundings from her one spot, she finally looked down, searching for her arrows. There they were, a mash of swirling colors. Cosima broke into a huge grin, appreciating how simple visual cues could tap into the happy place in her soul. She held her manual tight and followed the arrows to her room. 

While walking, she noticed that many people were doing the same. Studying the ground intently to go from place to place, but no one ran into each other. They weren’t passing through one another either; but there existed some sort of harmony where everyone knew which steps the people in front of them were going to take. Cosima stopped for a moment to observe it. It was mesmerizing to see hundreds of people in the same outfits flowing around each other. For the briefest of moments, she felt like dancing. To have her arms, her hands match the fluidity of the crowd. In the distance she heard music start up. Her favorite song to dance to. Cosima quickly realized that this place was opening up to her desires, playing this song overhead so she would move to it. 

So she did. She set her manual down and started with a gentle sway. Before long, her arms were in the sky and she was spinning effortlessly, unabashedly. The music got louder as the song progressed, as Cosima lost herself in it. Her eyes stayed closed and she was home in Felix’s loft again with her family. Her and Sarah dancing and laughing, Kira jumping and giggling. She laughed and danced and the tears started to fall. Still, no one stopped to observe this woman lost in movement, lost in grief and despair. But she saw her. And she did stop and stare. When the music ended, Cosima opened her bleary eyes and caught sight of her staring. She smiled at the stranger before turning away. Cosima hadn’t noticed that when she first locked eyes with Delphine Cormier, her arrows illuminated the ground as bright as they possibly could and for a moment encouraged Cosima to abandon her original route.


	3. Day 2: Hello / Bonjour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima's dinner plans get interesting. A simple hello opens up a world of possibilities. The yellow blur makes herself known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a longer than I expected chapter for the long weekend (if you have Monday off). I tried to make it shorter, but these two would not stop. Thank you so much for all of the feedback so far. Any and all is most definitely welcome. It's all keeping me going!
> 
> Happy reading!

The food court was a giant open-air food haven complete with long tables for a bigger party to gather and eat as well as small round table adorned with tea lights or tapered candles for more intimate seating. Cosima walked in not knowing what to expect at this hour. The traditional dinner hour had long past and she expected that the hall would be mostly empty. To her surprise and slight disappointment, the court was full of excited chatter. 

“Maybe I’ll get something to go,” she mumbled making her way to the seemingly unending rows of food. She remembered from the excursion here yesterday that all she had to do was look down and her arrow would lead her in the direction of the food she desired in that moment. And not a moment too soon, as Cosima’s stomach grumbled violently making her to clutch her stomach. “Ow. Didn’t think hunger pains would follow me to the afterlife. Ok, buddy, lead the way.” The arrow dutifully navigated her around the dozens of people in the direction of her desired dinner. 

“It’s a-spaghetti!” Cosima shouted in an exaggerated ‘Italian’ accent to no one as she took a seat at one of the smaller tables. She looked around and sure enough no one noticed her. “Huh, Kira loved that joke.” She held up one of the meatballs and licked her lips in anticipation. “This is bigger than my head.” She mused before taking a big bite. 

“Bonjour,” came the simple reply next to Cosima. She turned to her right at the airy voice so close to her. When had she sat down, Cosima wondered.

“Hi.” She responded, shy all of a sudden. Maybe it was her accent, the proximity, or the hair. But Cosima felt very much like her teenaged self with this woman a half a step from her. Not that she was some delicate flower, but it had been a while since a woman approached her without an invitation. And usually the ending of such an interaction led to something Cosima was definitely not ready to tackle right now. 

“Um, you have sauce here” the blonde pointed towards Cosima’s mouth. Cosima in a heightened state of awareness of her body gravitating toward the woman staring at her reflexively jerked her head away a little too hard. “Shit!” The movement caused her body to follow suit and she found her feet over her head as she fell backward out her chair. 

“Mon dieu, are you alright?” She asked after Cosima plopped herself back into her chair, adjusting the glasses that sat askew on her face. 

“Yeah, yeah,” she replied breathlessly. “I just wasn’t expecting a beautiful woman to reach out and touch me.” She slapped her hand over her mouth at her admission. The warning that Kevin gave her the day before finally made sense. _‘Shut it, Niehaus’_ she thought. 

The blonde smiled sheepishly and casually ran her fingers through her hair, but said nothing. _‘Holy shit’_ Cosima thought. _‘I’m in trouble.’_

“Sorry, I meant to say something self-deprecating there, not the naked truth.”

“I see. Dr. Delphine Cormier.” Cosima’s eyebrows raised, completely amused at her formal introduction. 

“Dr. Cormier, huh? Do you usually introduce yourself that way?” Cosima teased. 

“Non. But I wanted to impress you.” It was Delphine’s turn to turn a shade of red, immediately cupping her mouth shut. Cosima laughed at her embarrassment and cocked her head to the side, charmed by Delphine’s reaction to her own confession. 

“Hard to be coy here, eh?” Delphine nodded. Cosima pulled her hands away from her face and took them into her own. “Cosima Niehaus, former PhD student, dismantler of dreams. Please to meet you Dr. Cormier.”

Delphine gripped Cosima’s hand and shook it back. “Enchanté, Cosima. ‘Dismantler of dreams’?”

She waved in the air dismissively. “Long story.” Delphine nodded, but said nothing more. The women sat in a comfortable silence, each chewing slowly and stealing sideways glances at one another. 

“So, Dr. Cormier,” Cosima started.

“Delphine, please.” She interrupted. 

“Delphine, when did you get here?”

“Yesterday, you?”

“Same. Did you watch your funeral, too?”

“Oui. I thought it would ok, but I saw my maman and she was so devastated. I think I spent most of my time in the office sobbing. What about you?”

“Oh yeah, I watched it. It was hella sad. I mean, my 7-year-old niece made a speech. Her mom, my best friend almost started a fight with the pastor. Seemed about right though. Still…” She stopped and took a breath. Partly because of the thoughts that crossed her mind while she was speaking to Delphine. Then there was Delphine herself. She didn't think that when she walked into the food court tonight that she would be spilling her guts to a virtual stranger. Still, there was a way that the French doctor looked at her, with sincerity and genuine curiosity that pushed her forward. 

“Still?” Delphine pressed. 

“My funeral was on my birthday.” Cosima said quietly. 

“Oh, Cosima, that’s very sad.” She replied simply, matching Cosima’s subdued tone.

“Well hold on to your hat. I died the day before my niece’s birthday.” Delphine gasped and grabbed for the tightly intertwined hands sitting in Cosima’s lap. 

“Cosima,” she started after the prolonged silence. “Do you mind me asking…”

“How I died?” Cosima completed softly. Delphine nodded and Cosima took a deep breath.

“You know what, you don’t have to tell me. If it’s too private or painful.” Delphine countered, never letting go of her hands and not pulling her eyes away from the overwhelmed brunette. 

“Well, it doesn’t feel private, but I’m sure it was painful.” A slight smile tugged at the corner right side of her mouth. She looked up at Delphine, who was not in on the joke. She became quiet again, suddenly felling very exposed. 

“Cosima.” 

“Oh, sorry. I was in a car accident. Hit by a truck. Or rather _I_ hit it.”

“I see. So your joke…”

“Was in reference to that, yes.” Cosima explained still smirking. She hadn’t meant to make light of her death, but she wanted to keep an easy repartee with this beautiful woman. Plus, it made her feel a little better about what happened to her. And the fact that Delphine kept her hands clutching hers in support was not bad either. 

“Oui, I understand now. It didn’t hurt because you died on impact, yes?”

“That’s what they tell me. It’s not like I can check out their story.”

“Ah, c’est vrai.”

“You know it was just, I don’t know, like an accident. In my usual impulsive behavior, I couldn’t wait five minutes to solve a problem. Guess I’ll never get a chance to learn from that mistake, right?”

“Hmm.” Delphine hummed in response, electing to let Cosima keep going while waving her hand as if she were conducting a symphony. 

“I just hope I don't become a commercial warning teens not to text and drive. I’m sure whatever picture Sarah gives them would be awful.” 

Delphine winced and shook her head at Cosima. “Cosima, that was very morbid.” Cosima just shrugged it off. 

She proceeded gently before she asked her burning question. “And you?”

Delphine sighed and removed her hands from Cosima’s. Running her hand through her hair again, brushing it to one side. Again, momentarily distracting Cosima. She began, “Congenital heart defect. I was born with a bad, how do you say, um….a bad ticker.”

“Hmm, ok.” Cosima added. She wasn’t sure that was helpful. If anything, it caused more questions than answers. But the look on Delphine’s face, the ferocity in which she began to chew on one side of her lip prevented Cosima from indulging in her natural curiosity. Instead she returned the kindness that Delphine extended to her moments earlier and reached for the hands that tapped nervously on the table.

Delphine, for her part was startled that Cosima grabbed for her hand. So distracted by what happened to her, she forgot that she was not alone. And the woman she was with was the person she had been looking for since she saw her dancing the previous day. 

“I’m sorry.” She said off-handedly. 

Cosima waved her apology away with her free hand. “Hey no worries. I’ve had my share of zoning out when talking about or thinking about my death. I mean it’s a big deal. And not to mention, how weird is it to just sit and talk about the time that you totally died. This…” she pointed between the two of them “is not something I ever pictured I’d be doing. So please, don’t apologize, Dr. Cormier.” She smiled and noticed that her speech visibly relaxed the French doctor. Delphine smiled in return.

“So you’re a charmer, yes?”

She scoffed. “I can’t answer that. You’ll have to ask the people that have either been charmed or repulsed by my attempts. Though I don’t think you can just ring them up.”

“Non, you are correct. To answer the question you didn’t ask, but are curious about…” Cosima made a move to speak, but Delphine put her hand over Cosima’s mouth. She didn’t jump back this time, but an unmistakable blush did color her face. She demurred, sat back, and let Delphine finish.

“Thank you. I don’t know how I died, Cosima. I didn’t ask my counselor. The last thing I remember is being in my lab and losing my breath. I passed out or died. I’m not sure which is correct.”

“Got it.” 

The silence enveloped them again, but it wasn’t as comfortable as the previous one. After a time, Cosima pushed her plate away and turned to her unexpected dinner companion. “Hey, Delphine?”

“Oui, Cosima,” she answered keeping her focus on the food she started to push around. She wasn’t blind to the looks that Cosima gave her during their interactions tonight. But she wasn’t sure how to proceed either. Cosima waited for the woman to turn to her. When she didn’t immediately, she playfully tapped her on the shoulder. 

“Hey mopey. Look, take this.” She said handing Delphine a full glass of red wine. Delphine did as she was asked without really looking over at Cosima. “Merci.”

“Delphine,” Cosima teasingly admonished the doctor. “If I’m going to give a killer toast, I need an audience. You up for it?” 

“Ok” she laughed. Cosima was all teeth at the sound of Delphine’s laugh. It was music and she decided then that she would do anything to hear it again and again. 

“Alright… Ok. Shit, now that you’re staring at me, I’ve lost my bravado. Maybe you should turn around.”

“Why so you make a speech while staring at my ass?” Cosima snorted and Delphine set her glass down before she spilled her drink laughing at Cosima’s reaction to her statement.

“Um, wow. Was that another accidental sentence you just blurted out, Dr. Cormier?”

Without hesitation, she replied, “Non, it was a genuine question.” 

“Ok, now you’re just being the total package and that’s totally unfair.”

“‘Total package’?”

Cosima paused before she answered, staring at the blonde beauty trying to figure out if the question was a genuine. Moments later she beamed when she remembered that Delphine couldn’t lie, so…so what did that mean? Was she really confused and curious about the expression? Was she curious because she was trying to determine if Cosima was flirting with her? Was she flirting with Delphine?

Delphine watched thoughts swirl around Cosima’s head through her changing expressions. She exhibited happiness, panic, and what, attraction, maybe? Definitely uncertainty was the current expression. Delphine decided to let her off of the hook.

“Hey, Cosima,” she whispered catching the eye of the smaller woman. Cosima shivered slightly, trying to rid herself of the flush starting at her toes and settling as flutters in her stomach when Delphine whispered her name. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just go away when you asked a question. We left off at ‘total package,’ right?”

“Oui, but I think I understand now.”

“Yeah?” Delphine nodded. 

“I’m really sorry that I’m doing this to you, Delphine. And normally I wouldn’t be so…I don’t know…” she waved her hands over her hand as if she would find the word buzzing above her head. Delphine tilted her head and listened patiently allowing Cosima to find her words.

“Cosima?” Delphine finally spoke up grabbing Cosima’s animated limb. “What do you mean to say?”  
Cosima clammed up, not wanting to speak the truth, even if in life it wasn’t a big deal to say what she wanted to say. “Cosima, I understand that we aren’t allowed to lie or bend the truth. And I know we just met moments ago, but could you do me a favor and tell me what’s on your mind? I promise to sit and listen. I can at least give you that considering the generosity you have shown me tonight.” Delphine took a breath, not meaning to throw out as many assurances as she knew at Cosima. She just decided in the moment that she wanted to know this woman as fully as possible. Her smile was contagious. Her kindness and sincerity were welcome. Cosima felt like a piece of home. Peace and light was just Cosima. 

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Ok. Delphine Cormier. I know we only just met and this is crazy, but I’m like totally into you right now. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like a filter, you know like a logical, necessary one is just gone. All I have is feeling there now and it’s a little scary.”

“Filter, like emotional protection?”

“Yes! You know when you’ve been hurt and your mind protects you from it happening again. I can’t find that anymore. God, I hope that doesn’t mean I’ll put a fork in an electrical outlet because the filter’s gone.”

“I don’t think that’s right, Cosima.”

Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

“Hmm…” Delphine began, thinking carefully before speaking. “Well Dismantler of Dreams, I'll tell you what…” she paused and Cosima waited searching her eyes for something, anything hopeful. “We two are here for a month, oui? So, how about we just be, come what may, yes?”

“Interesting choice of phrase.” Cosima mused while looking the doctor over.

“What?”

“What, nothing. I’ll let you catch it when you inevitably review this conversation later tonight.”

“Cheeky!” Delphine replied swatting Cosima’s arm. 

“Definitely.” She responded smiling, her gaze not wavering from the smiling eyes of the blonde beauty in front of her. 

 

“Did you watch your birth today?” Delphine asked. The two women traded a few stories of their time on earth, not really acknowledging that their conversation had stretched into a three hour dinner. As they walked from the food court back to their quarters the subject of the previous day’s activity came up.

“I did ... It was very, very graphic.” Cosima exhaled and shook her head slightly at the memory.

“Vraiment?”

“Yeah, I mean, I get that as a scientist it’s just a part of the life cycle. But, man I was not expecting to see so much of my mother when I woke up this morning.”

Delphine chuckled. “I thought it was beautiful.”

“Yeah, well you’re weird and French, of course you would think a woman screaming her head off as you pass through the birth canal would be beautiful.”

Delphine stopped walking and stared at Cosima. Cosima thinking that maybe she had offended her turned quickly to rattle off an apology. When she met the woman’s eyes there was confusion, not offense. 

“What?” Cosima asked. 

“Cosima, I did not experience this moment coming through the birth canal, did you?”

“Yeah, of course. It was my birth. How did you see it?” It was Cosima’s turn to sport an expression of confusion. Deep confusion and increasing discomfort. 

“I stood in the corner and witnessed it. I saw all the people around my maman, but I did not come through any canal.”

“Hold on!” Cosima started walking forward again, unintentionally leaving her companion behind. “How is that possible?” Her hands started what Delphine recognized as their default setting, waving and twisting in the air. She gave Cosima a bit of space. “I sat there and watched from some weird tunnel camera. It was super dark and there was screaming. Oh my god, so much screaming! Then a tiny light and my dad’s face. It was hella loud and bright. How come I didn’t get the “This is Your Life” angle? Did you get like a different viewing room or something?”

Delphine taking the opportunity to jump in before Cosima started to jump to more conclusions. “Non, Cosima. There is a setting on the remote to change the view. The ‘tunnel cam’ as you call it was the default setting.”

“What?!” Cosima asked pulling on Delphine’s sleeve to stop her from walking. “You mean I could have seen that in a completely different way, not the ‘oh wow, my mom’s sported a lot of hair down there in the 80s? That’s just wrong. How did you find about the camera thing?”

“It’s in the handbook.”

“Of course, the handbook.” Cosima said tapping her forehead. “I’m such an idiot.”

“I doubt that very much, Cosima.” She replied, turning and resuming her walk towards her room. 

“So, what was it like to see?”

“Like I said Cosima, it was beautiful. I was born at home, surrounded by many people who died a few years after I had been born. There were candles littering the room. It was warm. They sang to my maman as she pushed me into the world. And when she held me she and my papa cried together. 

After Delphine finished her tale, the two women continued their walk in silence. Cosima thought to herself that it didn’t usually take this long to get to her room from the food court. Maybe she and Delphine had been unknowingly walking in circles or had gotten lost. Either way, she was enjoying the nearness of the French doctor. The air was perfectly warm so the chill that Cosima got anytime the doctor focused her gaze on her could not be blamed on the drop in temperature.

Delphine also noticed the long walk, though she the main driver of the excursion. She had hoped that she got the chance to spend time with Cosima and that she would make it last as long as Cosima had wanted. So far the shorter woman made no move to end tonight’s journey. 

“Wow, Delphine,” Cosima broke the silence, “sounds completely awesome.”

“Yes, it was awesome. Trauma tunnel aside, what was your birth like?”

“Hmmm. Yeah, not nearly as intimate, I’m afraid.”

“Of course not, you’re not French.” Delphine joked, bumping her hip with Cosima’s.

“Ha ha. Beautiful and a comedian. Total package strikes again.” Cosima for the first time tonight did not flinch when complementing Delphine. In fact, she had come to the conclusion that the doctor not only didn’t mind it, but enjoyed the attention as well. Cosima was more than happy to oblige.

Delphine ignored the compliment and prodded her to continue. “Oui, je suis Eddie Izzard. Please continue.”

“Like I said, it was pretty clinical. I came out and the doctor handed me to another person that wasn’t my mom or dad. A technician cut my cord because my dad didn’t want to. My mom was a blubbering mess. I cried because she wouldn’t stop crying. I don’t know Delphine I felt a lot of emotions swirling in that room and not all of them were good.”

“What do you mean?”

Cosima looked to the perfectly starry sky and searched for the answer to this seemingly simple question. “What do I mean? What do I mean?” She shrugged and took a stab at it. “Like I said, my mom was crying because she was so happy. They tried for years to have a baby and here I was, all red and screaming my head off. A preview of my teenage years if ever there was one. I could just tell she was so proud of me. Would always be so proud of me.” She whispered, almost to herself, “It was wonderful to feel that again.”

“Yes.” Delphine nodded in understanding but chose not to jump into Cosima’s story. 

“The nurses were happy. The doctor was even a little emotional. Her and my mom got close through the whole process of trying to create me. She stayed close even after my mom died,” she finished choking up. 

“I understand this, Cosima. So, why were the emotions, um...”

“Complicated?” Delphine nodded. 

“My dad.” She said simply and with as deadpan as possible. “He was disappointed.”

“Cosima, how could you tell that...”

“I saw it Delphine. He looked into my eyes while my mother held me and he was disappointed. I was less than five minutes old and he didn’t want me.”

“Cosima.” She stopped the brunette from walking and grabbed her into a tight, reassuring hug. Delphine wanted to take away any hurt that this wonderful woman had experienced in looking into the face of the person that was supposed to protect her and instead see in his eyes a failure. 

Cosima didn’t cry, she really didn’t feel the need or desire to cry about her father. She had lost the ability long ago while she was living. She was really just sad for that baby, knowing it was her, knowing all that baby would have to endure at the hands of her father. Despite the memories, Cosima was glad. Glad that she had arms as strong and heartening as Delphine Cormier’s wrapped around her. Her hold was loving maybe, but definitely tender. She melted into it.

Delphine was the first to break the embrace, though she kept her arm draped around Cosima’s shoulder as they walked. “So, was that the last thing you saw?”

Cosima looked up into her big doe eyes and made a decision. The night wouldn’t continue with her just rambling on about all the sad stuff that happened in her life. Delphine was made up of light and she wanted to bask in it, not dim it. Even though she didn’t see that Delphine was tiring of her pity party, she was tired of hearing about it. 

“Well, actually the last thing I saw was an incredible view of the nurse’s chest when she put me in my hospital crib thing! I remember smiling and grabbing at her.” She smiled, tongue firmly planted behind her teeth. Delphine dropped her arm and laughed loudly at the woman’s cheeky memory. 

“Mon dieu, Cosima! Even then you were too much.” Cosima raised her eyebrows in appreciation and shrugged. 

“Now that is true, Dr. Cormier. Even then I was too much.” She chuckled, completely tickled by Delphine continued outburst of laughter. The doctor clutched at the stomach and breathed deeply. 

“Wow, I didn’t think that my actions as an infant would be that hilarious.”

“Normally, non. But the thought of this tiny Cosima trying to charm a woman was a bit funny.”

“You think my infantile moves were funny?”

“Oui, you probably drooled of her later.”

“Well it wouldn’t be the last time I drooled on or over a beautiful woman.” She challenged.

“Hmm. You seem to be doing ok tonight.” Delphine countered. Cosima subtlety tightened her face. What was happening?

“You’re right. But I think my salivary glands have been working overtime since you sat at my table, Dr. Cormier.”

“Non. I think that was the giant meatball.”

“You’re quick, I like that.” Cosima said with a crooked smile. Delphine sucked in her bottom lip as they continued their walk. After a couple of more minutes of silence and small chuckles from the blonde, it happened. Cosima reached for her hand and Delphine returned the gesture entwining her fingers with Cosima’s. Both women looked over at one another shyly for confirmation. Cosima after wanting to grab her hand when they left the food court, felt braver after countless moments of them bumping hands together as they walked. Delphine wanted it in that moment too, but figured that Cosima might have only held her hand as a kindness, not true desire. Delphine looked away first and sighed in satisfaction. Cosima gripped her hand with a little more firmness, with confidence. She was the first to break the silence. 

“You know, Delphine, I don’t want to keep talking about myself, how are doing right now?” She asked hopeful.

But Delphine deflected her question; not wanting to really voice what was on her mind. She wanted to focus on the other thought she had in her head. The feelings she was encountering holding onto Cosima’s hand. “I like hearing you speak, Cosima. It’s like music in my ears. You know I saw you dancing yesterday.”

“You were the yellow blur, huh?”

“Oui. I was. What were you dancing to? The movements were, um…”

“Spazzy? Raver-y”

“Sensual.”

Cosima took a sharp intake of air, trying to convey more calm than she was feeling. “You couldn’t hear it?”

“Non. I imagine whatever it was, was for your ears only. Still it was lovely watching you express yourself.”

“I was grieving in my own way.” Delphine nodded in understanding. 

“Well whatever it was you were dancing to, I hope to hear it someday. It produced some wonderful moments for me to witness.”

“Delphine, I tell you that I was grieving and all you can think of was how I looked while doing it?”

“To borrow a phrase from you ‘interesting choice of phrasing’.” She winked. 

“You know, this pretending not to catch my meanings when you do, is very confusing.” Cosima huffed playfully. 

“Vraiment?”

“Yeah, are you even speaking English right now, or is this place auto-translating for me like Google.”

“Google would have me saying very weird things to you Cosima. The translations are not always best.”

“So you are speaking English?”

“Oui, as far as I know I am speaking English.”

Cosima eyed her again before remembering, again, that Delphine couldn’t bend the truth. “What if I want you to speak French to me?”

“Ah, that you would have to earn, ma chérie.” Delphine took her bottom lip into her teeth and Cosima sighed.

“Ok, ok. You win. This…this is…I like this. But it’s a bit confusing.”

“What is confusing, Cosima?”

“This…” she pointed between the two of them. “And this” she held up their clasped hands. “How did this happen so quickly?”

“We have limited time together, ma chérie. Maybe this existence is one of acceleration. Hearts beat faster, attractions instant, kisses more satisfying, love attainable.”

“Delphine.” She whispered unsure.

“Cosima, would you feel less tortured if I just kissed you here in the fading moonlight? With the rising sun?”

“One month, Delphine. One month is all we have before…” she sighed again, slumping her shoulders this time. Delphine could see that she was losing Cosima to whatever darkness she carried with her to this middle place. That whatever was coming in the videos, in her trial, took up the space in her mind. She didn't want to do this out of desperation, but in the moment, she was at a loss of what to do instead. Delphine released her hands from Cosima and faced the smaller woman. When Cosima wouldn’t look at her, she sighed. “Merde,” she muttered. Lifting her hand to Cosima’s chin, she tilted it up and stepped forward. 

“Cosima, if this is not what you want, please tell me before I make a fool of myself.” Cosima said nothing and she continued her advance until she reached the very tips of Cosima’s lips. At first she placed just the most chaste kiss on her companion’s lips. Cosima made no move to stop her or push her away, opting instead for placing her hands on Delphine’s hips. Delphine’s hands landed on the sides of Cosima’s face before she moved forward gently again kissing her, making her intensions clear. Cosima, getting the memo of what was happening responded by pressing her lips firmly against the doctor’s. When Delphine let out a small moan, Cosima’s head started to swim and she opened her mouth to take in Delphine’s bottom lip with her teeth. This earned her an appreciative ear pull from Delphine. Cosima threw her head back at the rough sensation, the unexpected jolt of pleasure. Bringing her head down again, she kissed Delphine hard, her tongue seeking permission to Delphine’s mouth. Almost instantly she granted it, and the two women groaned appreciatively at the contact. Their tongues danced and their hands unhurriedly roamed up and down the sides of their bodies and into hair. It all felt like slow exploration, a tantalizing torture. However, when Delphine moved her thigh to rest between Cosima’s legs, the shorter woman’s eyes rolled back and she jumped. 

“Shit!” She said pushing Delphine away gently, but firmly. 

“What? What’s wrong?” She asked breathless. 

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just a little too…” she answered keeping an arm up to stop any advance from the taller woman. 

“Much, yes.” She responded still catching her breath.

“What was that?” Cosima asked. 

“An exhibition of mutual attraction, I believe.”

“To say the least.”

“Accelerated heartbeat…”

“Instant attraction” she listed, dropping her arm. 

“Kisses more satisfying” Delphine finished stepping closer again. 

“Ok, Dr. Cormier, I don’t think I’m ready for step two.” Cosima responded moving away from the wall so that Delphine couldn’t pin here there again.

“D'accord. I think we are almost to my room, anyway.”

“Hey Delphine why’d you do that?”

“Well, I was going to slap you at first, but I decided that you may not be into that.”

Cosima snorted. “Jesus, ok, sorry. I got mopey on you again. I’m sorry for ruining the night.”

“Cosima, there will be plenty of nights while we are here when I will be inconsolable. I do not intend to apologize. Just be there for me if you can.”

“You got, doc.”

“Merci, Cosima.” 

“Well, I guess back there answers my question of if you were gay or not.”

“Hmmm. You assume I’m gay because I kissed you? Interesting.” She cocked her head to the side and nodded like a professor. 

“No, not just because you kissed me. I mean, Delphine, you like _kissed me._ Like ‘this isn't my first rodeo’ kissed me. Not to mention your leg ended up places.” Delphine looked over at her skeptically, but kept walking. “What, it’s a logical conclusion I’m drawing here, right?”

“If you believe so, Cosima. But as a scientist, former PhD student or not, you should know better.”

“Is that right,” she asked flirtatiously. Delphine squeezed her hand but said nothing else. “Dr. Cormier, please as a drop out in the study of biology, please enlighten me.”

“Don’t be coy, you know that sexuality is a spectrum” Cosima nodded along. “And attraction is just attraction, Cosima. Chemicals.”

“Chemistry, my favorite.”

“You’re a brat. I am attracted to you. That should be enough here, yes? I don’t think there’s a place for indecision or games here, Cosima. Either authenticity or silence. And I don’t want to be silent about you.”

“About me or with me?” She asked wiggling her eyebrows. 

“Both, actually.” Delphine responded suggestively. “Nothing, huh? Good, here is my room, chérie. This is where I leave you.”

“Really, this is yours, eh?”

“Non, Cosima, you cannot come in.” 

“Get your mind out of the gutter Cormier. Although I like where it went. I was saying it’s right next to mine.”

“Non!” She said excitedly. 

“Oui, mon ami.” Cosima tried out.

“Très bien, chérie!”

“Thanks, what do I win?”

“This.” Delphine kissed her on the nose. 

“Ok, a more north than what I was hoping.”

“Ah, keep up your French, and you well earn more, um, southern kisses.”

“Holy watershed, Delphine, if I wasn’t already, I’d swear you would kill me.”

“Good night, Cosima.” She said entering her room. 

“I think you mean, good morning.” Cosima added pointing towards the rising sun.

“Oui, it looks like I did manage to kiss you until the sun came up. Adieu.”

Cosima beamed and stayed planted until Delphine’s door slid shut. _“Holy cow, I’m in deep.”_


	4. Day 3: You're Not Helping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima pays Kevin an unexpected visit hoping to get answers about Delphine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and good evening! It's been a while, but life sometimes gets in the way of completing chapters. Here's a short one to tie y'all over until next time. Hopefully, it'll be real soon (like next day soon). 
> 
> Thank you kindly to all of you lovelies that have left comments and kudos for this little writing project. Y'all are such sweethearts. Enough ramblin', on with the show!

“Ms. Niehaus, come in.” Kevin waved her into his office. 

“Thanks for seeing me today, Kev.” She said hurriedly moving into his office. 

“It’s not a problem. Are you alright?” He took note of her posture and her darting eyes. She seemed a little distressed but there was something else he couldn’t pin down. Closing the door behind, he kept his eyes on her as he moved to his desk.

“Um, maybe? I’m not sure honestly. Yesterday was vivid.” She responded eyes wide, fingers spread in the sky to illustrate her point. 

“Ah, yes. You witnessed your birth yesterday.” He nodded in understanding. “Yes, from what I remember, those scenes can be very intense.” He often had conferences with clients after the birth day viewing. There were times when the births had been traumatic for one reason or another, other times it was so moving to the viewer, they had a slight breakdown afterwards. He didn’t think that Cosima needed that type of counseling session, though. He viewed her birth and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Furthermore, the brunette before him didn't seem too disturbed or interested in talking about this particular subject anyway. 

“Yeah, I mean, dude you could have warned about the angles thing. That was more than I needed to see.” She added shaking her head of the memory of witnessing her birth first hand. 

“Ms. Niehaus, it’s explained in the…”

“Yeah, the handbook. I read it after I found about it. Still, why is that the default setting? What kind of person would want to be witness to their birth from that angle? It’s bizarre.”

“The first person angle is the default angle for all videos, Ms. Niehaus, not just the birth. For example, when you’re shown the videos of your happiest memories, you’ll have the option to remember it as you experienced it the first time around or you can observe it as a spectator. It’s quite simple, really.”

“I like your voice today, Kev. Much more relaxing.” She noted, not really wanting to get into the first person experience for the other videos she would have to view. 

“Thank you, Ms. Niehaus. This voice closely resembles your assistant James, correct?” Cosima nodded. 

“Hopefully I won’t slide into uber-bitch mode and start ordering you around.”

“Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.” He said simply, a smile tugging his lips upward. “Ms. Niehaus, forgive me,” he started and she looked into his eyes, curious. “not that I mind you dropping by, as it’s your right…” She sighed feeling slightly irritated. 

Her eyes narrowed involuntarily. “You know, Kev, maybe you shouldn’t use this voice right now. I can’t help but feel a little annoyed that you’re about to get personal with me. And I’m sure you know from your file there that I hated when James tried to get personal.” She flinched a little remembering every time she cut him off if he uttered anything more informal as to ask about her weekend. Any gentle prodding from her assistant was met with a warning glare on her good days. And there were not a lot of good days in the office. 

His voice switched to a neutral Northern California’s accent, closely matching Cosima’s own. “It’s cool. You didn’t come in here to discuss viewing angles or even your birth did you? We aren’t supposed to discuss your next viewing experience for a few days. So, what’s up?”

She sighed and rolled her neck, considering what to say next. “How’d you get this gig, Kev? What does a dead person have to do to be able to stay here indefinitely?”

“Ms. Niehaus, are you considering a job as a counselor?”

“I didn’t say that, I was just wondering.”

“Sure you were, Ms. Niehaus.” He said smiling and searching her face for anything. 

“I was just wondering what kind of person would want to give up going back or moving on to just stay here. How does that even happen?”

“It’s a long and complicated process, Ms. Niehaus.”

“I got all day. Hell I got about 30 days.”

“I doubt you want to spend those days cooped up in here with me.” He smiled. 

“What’s that supposed to mean, boss?”

“I received news that you met someone yesterday. A Ms. Cormier.”

“Doctor. Doctor Cormier. Respect the credentials.”

“My bad. Dr. Cormier.”

“How’d you find about that anyway?”

“We have daily briefings on our clients…”

“Oh my god, are there cameras?!” she asked, whipping her head around the office for any cameras she might have missed during her first appointment. 

“Ms. Niehaus, there aren't any cameras. Although now I wonder why you would be worried about that?”

“You would?” she smiled, picking up on his playful tone.

“Not really. But I am curious about your new relationship with Dr. Cormier.”

“Why, need some weird afterlife material to get you going?”

“Don’t be silly, Ms. Niehaus. I don’t know why you would assume I would enjoy two women together or a woman at all.”

“Meaning, what exactly?”

“Think about it, Ms. Niehaus.”

“Hold shit, you too?!”

“No hiding, remember?”

“Ok, ok whatever. How did you hear about me and Delphine? It’s not like we were out in the daylight or you know disturbing the peace this morning.”

“Her counselor reported earlier today that his client came in to inform him that she was quote ‘into someone named Cosima’. It was a logical conclusion that she meant you.”

“Are there no other Cosimas here?”

“Not that I am aware of. Besides, her going to him and you making an appointment today, can’t be a coincidence, can it Ms. Niehaus?”

“Got me, there, Kev.” She shrugged. 

“So how can I help you, Ms. Niehaus?”

“Actually, I’m not sure. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to report a relationship to you or not.”

“It’s not necessary.”

“Do you provide advice, if I need it, I mean. If something comes up about dating here and I need some feedback, can I come to you?”

“I’ll do what I can, Ms…”

“Could you call me Cosima? At least for today. The ‘Ms.’ thing is a little disconcerting considering what I saw of the elder Ms. Niehaus yesterday.”

“Oh course, Cosima. Like I was saying, I can give you some guidance. But my expertise and frankly why I’m here is to help to prepare you for your trial. That’s the reason you’re here.”

“Of course, how could I forget?”

“Again, as I said, I’ll do what I can.”

“Ok, have any of your other clients done this? Go out with another person while they were here?”

“I wouldn’t say they ‘went out’ with another person. Their interactions as far as I knew were purely physical.”

“No shit?” He shook his head. 

“So you gossiping Garys were just sitting around talking about us?”

“We were just reporting, not gossiping.”

“Bullshit. You may not be lying, but I smell gossip all over the reporting nonsense.”

“Hmm.”

“Ok, silence. Great. So what did she say about me, to her counselor, I mean?” He said nothing.

“Wow, ok. I take it the meeting went well then. Still got, Niehaus!” She cheered giving herself a high five.

“Cosima, Jesus.” He laughed despite himself. She laughed too, relaxing for the first time since she sat down. After they settled down, the room became still again. He kept his gaze on her while she focused on his desk.

“Let me ask you one more thing. So, if I have to go back and then I die again, do I come back to work with you again?”

“Most of the time I meet the same spirits again, yes.”

“So, have you met me before? Or do you know?”

“I do know, yes, and we haven’t met before.”

“Oh, really? Can you point me to my last counselor?”

“Cosima, why is this important to you?”

“Purely intellectual curiosity. And I’m bored.”

He walks over to his file cabinet and locates her folder. After taking a seat, he skims its contents. He hopes to find the information quickly. To get her out of his office and into someone else’s so that he can get some other work done. 

“Huh? How about that?”

“What?” She moves to his side of the desk to look over his shoulder. What she sees is script not written in any language that she can decipher. “What language is that?”

He grins up at her before speaking. “Cosima, this script is written this way to prevent a person such as yourself from reading it. Only I and other counselors can read it.”

“But it's a file about me. Why can’t I read it?”

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”

She sighs, exasperated. “Fine, what you got? What’s interesting in there?”

“It appears that you Cosima are brand new.”

“What do you mean?”

“It means your soul, your essence has not been touch by another life. Everything you are, is completely and uniquely yours. I’ve never met a new soul before.” He looks her over in a newfound admiration and curiosity. He smiles, seeing it now. 

“What, why are you looking at me like that?”

“Your light, it's very bright Cosima. I don’t how I missed it.”

“You were probably distracted because I’m hot.”

“Hmm. Good thing I’m not drinking coffee, right? You were going for shock value?”

“A little.” She smiled displayed a big smile, tongue poking through her teeth. 

“Was there anything else Cosima?”

“No, I just needed an unhelpful sounding board to talk about this whole Delphine thing.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Nope, thank you silent and mysterious-apparently-everyone-here-is-queer-man.”

“That is a terrible superhero name for me.” He joked. “Have a good day Cosima.”

“Oh there is one thing. In the handbook, it said that I after I view the videos in the viewing rooms, I can have a copy sent to my room. I think I’m going to do that with my birth. But I gotta know…”

“Yes, Cosima, you can change the viewing angle on the video.”

“Great, perfect. So, see you in three days?”

“Yes, three days. Enjoy your time Cosima.”


	5. San Francisco: An Empty House Because You're Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah and Cosima tour a new house. Felix helps Sarah grieve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard. We'll get back to Cophine in the next chapter, but I thought it was important to introduce Sarah back into the story since Cosima's been gone. This chapter really is: What happens to the people we leave behind? What's the proper way to grieve? 
> 
> The more I wrote with Cosima and Sarah, the more I loved their relationship. She'll return in the future for sure. 
> 
> While writing their dialogue a song (Destiny) by Zero 7 played in the background. I thought the chorus was especially apt for these two. It goes:  
> "When I'm weak I draw strength from you  
> And when you're lost I know how to change your mood  
> And when I'm down you breathe life over me  
> Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny"
> 
> It can be interpreted as a romantic song for sure, but I think it can absolutely apply to a friend that you love very deeply as these two do. 
> 
> Thank you to the moon and back for all of your comments and such. They are very much appreciated.

### Chapter 5: San Francisco: An Empty House Because You're Gone

_Sarah cautiously stepped forward following Cosima’s voice. “Ok, just a little further. Stop and turn right. No, your other right! Sarah.” Cosima chastised. Sarah kept purposefully turning away from Cosima._

_“Don’t be a nerd, geek. I’m just playing. Can I take off this shite blindfold? It smells like you.”_

_“Ha. Ha” She responded humorlessly. “Ok take it off.”_

_Once she did, Sarah stared at the new location in confusion. After doing a complete spin around the room, she met Cosima’s eager eyes, but she remained confused. “Cool, it’s a room, Cos. Well done.”_

_Cosima rolled her eyes and approached her friend. “It’s not just a room. It’s a living room.”_

_“OK,” she began slowly. “Nice. It’s a living room. Well done, Cosima.”_

_“Why do you have to be so difficult?”_

_“What did I do? You’re the one taking me to strange houses in the middle of the night. I could’ve bloody broken my neck walking here. Then where’s that leave Kira?”_

_Cosima shrugged and smiled before responding, “With her favorite aunt. And S, of course.”_

_“Fine. Where would that leave you if I died?”_

_“Lost.” Cosima simply said and she meant it sincerely._

_“Damn, right. And don’t forget it, eh?”_

_“Fine. Ok. Look I brought you here to…”_

_“I knew it! I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me lately. You brought me here to shag, yeah?!” Sarah was full of delight teasing Cosima. She grimaced before charging at Sarah, knocking her to the ground. The two women wrestled on the ground for a while before Sarah gathered Cosima in a headlock and Cosima held her hands up in surrender. For Cosima, light and playful moments like this were few and far between, so she tended to never want to cut them short. Still, it was ten at night and if she knew Sarah, after she broke the news to her, she would be up for the better part of the night knocking back shots with the leather clad best friend._

_Sarah stood up first, a triumphant smile plastered over her face while she held her hand out for Cosima to take._

_“You’re gross,” Cosima said while brushing the light dust from her clothes._

_“Got you to relax, didn’t it?”_

_“I am relaxed.” Cosima lied knowing Sarah would catch her._

_“Bullshit, Cos. Now what is this, why are we here?”_

_“I bought it.” Cosima replied simply looking for the lights._

_“What do you mean? You just bought a place last year. You getting rid of it already?” Cosima ignored the question instead walking towards the kitchen area, turning on more lights._

_“Come on, walk with me.” She called back to her. Sarah huffed, stuffing her hands in the pockets of her leather jacket before moving towards Cosima._

_“Look at this backyard, Sar.” The lights flicked on and the backyard became illuminated. The spacious yard was bare except for the long grass and newly installed shed._

_“It’s a great space, Cosima. But what’s this about? Did you sell your place?”_

_“Nope.” She said simply, turning off the backyard lights and walking away from Sarah again. Sarah looked her over, but Cosima wouldn’t meet her gaze. This was serious she determined. Cosima wasn’t big on not talking a million miles an hour about any new project. Cosima wordlessly continued her tour of the house, climbing the stairs to the next level. Sarah stayed behind and toured downstairs. It was a nice and big living room and the kitchen was big enough to hold a few people as well. There was also space for a dining room table. A good place for family dinners. Cosima’s current place didn’t have any of these things. It was a nice upgrade, Sarah decided._

_“Hey Cos, where’d you go?” She called after a time._

_“Up here in the second bedroom down the hall.” Sarah climbed the stairs and took stock of the space as she did. The walls leading up the stairs were perfect for displaying Cosima’s photographs, or her degrees, which currently sat in a box at her house. Such a shame, Sarah thought at the time when Cosima sold her camera. No time, she told her without much emotion when she exchanged the camera for cash with a stranger. She would help her pick out the best ones to frame here._

_She found Cosima in the moonlit room sitting with her hands resting extended behind her back on the floor. She took a seat crossed-legged next to her and said nothing. Whatever this was, she knew her friend would tell her soon._

_“Is it ok?” Cosima quietly asked looking over at Sarah._

_“It’s brilliant, Cos. It’s a real nice place.”_

_“Thanks, I hoped that you’d like it.”_

_“I do. I do.” Sarah responded placing a supportive hand on Cosima’s shoulder. “What’s going on, Cos? Why are you moping?”_

_She laughed humorlessly. “It’s what I do. But I’m glad you like it, Sarah. Because I bought it for you and Kira.”_

_Sarah laughed loudly and pushed Cosima over. “Piss off, geek. No way you did that.”_

_“I did.” She answered, not laughing at the changing expression from Sarah. Cosima observed her friend move from disbelief to anger to confusion all in a few moments._

_“Cosima,” she started carefully, “tell me you didn’t.”_

_“I did, Sarah. This is yours.”_

_“Cos, what the fuck!” She said jumping to her feet. “You can’t just buy a house for someone without telling them.”_

_Cosima stood up and walked to the window, gazing up at the moon framed perfectly where she stood. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, it’s in my name. But it’s paid off already. If you feel better about paying rent, I could count it towards the taxes on the place. But yeah, it’s essentially for you and Kira, Sarah.”_

_“But why, Cos? Why would you waste money on us?” Cosima looked over at her life-long friend in disbelief._

_“Sarah, I’m not wasting money on you. Or Kira. We promised each other that if we could we would take care of each other, right?”_

_“We were just stupid teenagers then, Cos.” She responded seriously running her hand through her hair._

_“Well I wanted to keep my word.” Sarah remained unconvinced._

_“Look, it’s selfish if you want to look at it that way. If you both live here, you’ll only be two blocks from me. No way you could get rid of me, right?”_

_“Cosima, this house must have cost you a fortune.”_

_“Nothing that I couldn’t afford, Sarah. I make a criminal amount of money.” She smiled sheepishly._

_“I bet. Dismantler of Dreams, right?”_

_“That’s what they say. I should get something out of that shitty moniker, right?” She answered almost embarrassed. “Look, Sarah, I want more than anything to be close to family. And you guys are my family. I know that you want be in your own place instead of bouncing between Felix’s and S’s. This place is yours. Do whatever you want with it. If you want to knock out a wall and put in a bar, give me an estimate and I’ll do it for you. But I want you to have it.”_

_“Cos…” She started beginning to tear up. Cosima couldn’t see her, but she heard the break in her voice._

_“Look, you got me through everything, school, my dad, this job. I would’ve given up a million times if it weren’t for you. So, I owe you. This is the least I could do.”_

_Sarah sighed and walked over to Cosima. Standing behind her and laying her head on Cosima’s shoulder and wrapping her arms around her generous friend, she said, “Ok, Cos. For Kira, I’ll do it.” Cosima sighed. “And you do owe me.” Cosima chuckled._

_Sarah untangled from Cosima and starts to walk around the large room. “So, this is mine, yeah?”_

_“Yes, absolutely yours, Sarah.” Cosima states emphatically._

_“Ok, so how long have you been dealing with this place?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I mean, you looked at it, had inspections, and such. So how long did it take?”_

_“Oh, um, all together about two and half months, why?”_

_“You use the same realtor? Blonde, killer looks, even better wardrobe?”_

_“Tania? Yeah why?”_

_“How long did it take before you shagged her?”_

_“What?!”_

_Sarah looked over eyebrow raised, daring Cosima to deny it. “You didn’t?”_

_After a beat, she relents, “Yeah, ok” Cosima chuckled. “Not long after I closed on my house and again after I closed on this one.”_

_“You do it here?” She asked, both eyebrows raised, a smirk firmly planted on her face._

_“Maybe.”_

_“I hate you, Cos. Where’d you do it?” Sarah started spinning around as if evidence would magically appear. Cosima shrugged and said nothing. When Sarah gave her a playful yet warning look, Cosima sighed and kicked the wall she was currently leaning against._

_“In here? You dirty, dirty, dog!”_

_“What, I didn't start it!”_

_“Yeah, but I bet she wasn’t the one that was up against the wall, right?”_

_“Maybe she was. Maybe she wasn’t the second time.” Cosima stated with confidence._

_“Gross. Stop, ok. I shouldn’t have asked.”_

_“No you definitely shouldn’t have. And you shouldn't ask about anywhere else.”_

_“Cosima, stop. I will vomit.”_

_“Go ahead, it’s your place.” Sarah groaned and stalked over to Cosima again pulling her into a loose headlock._

_“I love you, Cos. This here is wonderful. Even though you’re really disgusting.”_

_“I try.” She chuckled. After pulling herself from Sarah’s grip she turned and hugged her friend, her life long protector tightly and said, “I love you to the moon and back, Sarah. Thank you for letting me do this for you.”_

_“Sure.” Sarah’s voice cracked a bit in her whispered response._

_Pulling away and making her way to the door, “Hey, this here…” she pointing between the two of them “this crazy display of affection stays between us, right? We can’t have people thinking that we’re getting soft.”_

_“You got my word, lady killer.” Cosima threw her head back and laughed loudly, full of joy. She felt in the moment that all of the anxiety she had built up since she put in the offer on the house melt away. Sarah’s attempt at a joke, their sincerity, and the reality that her family would finally be rooted in a place near her, filled her with an amount of joy and lightness she didn't think she could achieve. Sarah gave that to her in her acceptance of this gift and Cosima would be thankful and grateful for as long as she lived._

_“Come on, punk. Let me show the rest of this killer place!”_

* * *

 “Cos!” Sarah sat up suddenly, startled awake from her dream. No, not a dream, she thought, a memory. Two years ago, Cosima walked them over to this house for the first time. They did spend a good amount of time walking and talking around the house that night. That did happen, Sarah reminded herself. In her foggy state, Sarah looked over at the door, where Cosima last stood in her dream and could swear she saw a faint outline of her friend again.

“Cos?” She whispered, reaching out to the unmoving figure.

“Mommy?” She heard beside her in the bed. Kira was fast asleep, but clinging to her waist.

Rubbing her only child’s head, clearing her curls from her face, she cooed, “It’s alright, Monkey. Go back to sleep. Mommy just had a bad dream.” Kira taking her mother’s word stirred slightly and turned to bury her head under Cal’s chin, clutching his shirt. When she was satisfied that Kira was fast asleep she exhaled and turned her gaze back to the doorway, hoping. But there was nothing but darkness where the figure was previously outlined.

Her mind’s playing tricks on her again. Cosima was gone for good. She saw it for herself. She was the one that had to identify her body at the morgue. Losing her balance as she gazed at the lifeless face of her best friend, her sister through a monitor. She thought thankfully, at least Cal was in town for Kira’s birthday and he could watch her while she and Felix went down to the morgue, while she lost herself in her new reality.

When she saw her caller id flash ‘SFPD’ she thought maybe Cosima had gotten pulled over for using her cell phone while driving and she had gotten arrested for being too lippy with the officer. It wouldn’t have been the first time one of the girls had to call the other from a precinct. She even laughed when she answered the phone, getting ready to hear the exasperate sigh, the rushed reason she was being held, and for Sarah to stop laughing and come and get her. When she heard a cop instead, someone calling her Ms. Sarah Manning, she had a bad feeling. That Cosima had done something stupider and gotten into an accident. She stood immediately and stomped over to grab her coat. After confirming her identity, the officer asked her if she knew “A Cosima Niehaus”. ‘A Cosima Niehaus.’ Like she was an object, not a person. She confirmed and panicked. Felix, sensing her distress ushered her into Kira’s unoccupied playroom and sat her down. With the phone on speakerphone, the officer delivered the news that Cosima was gone. She did have an accident, an accident Sarah warned her against. She didn't want to be right, not about this. But now she couldn’t escape it. Someone needed to come down to give a positive identification. Cal offered, but someone steady needed to stay with Kira, pick her up from school and Sarah was not in a position to do so. Felix called Mrs. S for a ride and they waited, ten minutes, three hours, Sarah couldn’t keep track. Felix did nothing but bite his nails and stay out her way. Her pacing increased and she grew quieter as the time waiting for their ride dragged on. The ride was there was long, the journey back was longer. When she lost her footing at the morgue she wished to have split her head open and die too. She at least wanted to bleed, for the red to pool from her head, to have a near death experience to hold her friend tight one last time before quietly slipping back to this reality. But she remained cruelly conscious the entire time. She wasn’t ready to live this life without Cosima. Her Cosima, sister, protector.

She threw the covers off of her and tip toed out of the room, leaving Cal and Kira unaware of her next moves. She grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the bar and made her way to the shed. When she reached for the lights she was struck by the amount of things that cluttered the tiny dwelling. Cosima’s things. She sighed and pulled her chair from across the room. Taking a seat, she breathed in the mixture of the open liquor bottle and the boxes containing all of Cosima’s keepsakes. She could swear that some of the things smelled like her.

“Doesn’t matter.” she muttered to no one.

“What doesn’t matter?” Felix asked as a way of announcing himself.

“Nothing” she grunted handing him the bottle.

Clad in borrowed flannel bottoms and a sweatshirt, Felix took a seat on the floor next to his sister. “This is the last of it. Her clothes were picked up today. House is empty. Do you know what you’re going to do with it?”

“Fee, don’t” She said with a warning, taking a dangerous pull from the returned bottle.

“You gonna drink yourself to death, then?” She doesn’t respond, instead opting to stare straight ahead. “You know sooner or later, Kira’s gonna need her mom back and it looks like you have no intention of giving that to her, do you?”

“Why are you here, Fee? I came out here to be alone.”

“I’m out here because you woke me up digging through the bloody bar cart of yours. I swear if she wasn’t already, I’d kill Cosima for building that for you.”

“She said whatever I wanted.”

“Yeah, she was stupid like that” he said smiling.

“Yea, she was.”

The siblings remained silent after the exchange before Sarah spoke up, “I don’t want her to be a ‘was’ Felix. Cosima was never supposed to be a ‘was’.”

“Sarah, in the end, we’re all a ‘was’, it doesn’t mean that her life was meaningless.”

She scoffed and bounced from her chair, “And what am I meant to do, Fee? Without her? She was my bleeding guiding compass since we were kids. And now there’s paperwork and a house and money and all of this shite and she’s not here to sort it out with me.” She paced and gestured wildly with the bottle in her hands. Felix waited quietly holding a neutral expression until she finished.

“You have help, Sarah. Me, S, Cal, Alison, even Helena in her own way. You’re not alone.”

“I don’t want help, Felix,” she shouted inches from his face, “I want Cosima!” She hurled the glass clear across the room, smashing it against a workbench. Howling now, she fell to her knees and buried her face in the pavement, screaming Cosima’s name.

Felix remained above her, unmoving. He was frightened, that he was certain of. But he was also uncertain. He had never heard these sounds from his sister before. He wanted to at least rub her back in support, but he knew his sister didn’t need comfort yet. She needed rage and this had been a long time coming. There had already been despondent Sarah, black out drunk Sarah, and surly grunting as a response Sarah. But grieving Sarah. Truly pissed off Sarah had yet to make an appearance.

He knew that Sarah was as mad at Cosima as she was devastated that she was gone. That Cosima would be so careless, so impatient than to wait to do what Sarah asked. What Sarah had asked. That’s where Sarah’s guilt came in. If she would have called Cosima later or not pushed her so hard, maybe she would’ve waited before looking at her phone. Maybe she should’ve let Cosima off of the hook about Kira’s birthday party, knowing Cosima would make it up to her. She always did. It was irrational Felix thought. Of course Sarah should’ve given Cosima a hard time, she was being an idiot about his niece’s birthday. When he found out that she had been impatiently looking at her calendar, instead of letting her assistant take care of it, he rolled his eyes. ‘Typical,’ he thought. Not only would she not be patient enough to wait five minutes to get some something done (not unlike Sarah), but she would move mountains to appease his sister.

But he knew early on that these two insufferable women were two halves of a whole. Not lovers, though he used to tease them, saying that people were going to wonder why they spent so much time together. They both ignored him and anyone that believed it. Sarah would say ‘who cares if we’re sleeping together’. But Cosima would loudly object, letting him know that she could do better, earning her a punch in the arm by the punk. These women protected each other and him from outsiders. Where Cosima could give an aggressor a verbal thrashing, Sarah could serve them with a swift punch in the nose. The art-y queer, the drop out, and the queer nerd, a strange mix made up this chosen family. His family. There were more of them now in this circle of weirdos. And he would be goddamn if it were going to fall apart because Cosima was gone.

“Sarah, get up!” He shouted suddenly. When her wailing didn’t cease, he grabbed at her and yanked her up by the arm with as much force as he could. Sarah stood bewildered. In her glossy vision was Felix, but he had never, ever showed this level of aggression. Felix was flippant or gentle at times, but never grabby. This side of him was disconcerting.

“What the fuck, Fee? Are you crazy?”

“Are you? Wailing like a banshee at 3 in the morning?”

“So what?”

“So what, Sarah? Are you trying to wake the whole neighborhood, or Kira? Do you want her to see you like this?”

“Kira will understand. She…”

“She needs for her mother to get her shit together and to grieve with her. You spend all of your time staring straight ahead or grunting. What is she to think? She can’t even talk to you about Cosima because she thinks it’ll upset you too much. Well guess what, that little girl lost her auntie too, she can’t lose her mother.”

“She won’t.”

“She already is, Sarah. After this fit what are you going do, go a bender, leave her here with Cal and S?”

“I wouldn’t do that Fee, not anymore.”

“Bullshit, Sarah. As soon as the sun comes up and the whiskey here’s gone dry, you’re out of here.”

“No, Felix, not anymore.”

“And why not? What’s to stop you from doing that again?”

“Because Cosima’s not here to bloody fix it.”

“So the only reason you’re not destroying your life is because Cosima’s not here to mend you back together?”

“And she wouldn’t like it.” She said quietly, suddenly displaying the briefest of smiles.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, all of the times she pulled my life out the fire, she bitched about it the whole time. I imagine wherever she is, she’s screaming her head off at me now. I can’t have her be disappointed in me.”

“Cosima doesn’t scream her head off at anyone.” Felix shook his unbelieving.

“You’re wrong. You always saw next day Cosima, after I bought her you know an ‘I’m sorry’ ounce of weed.”

“Shit, no wonder she put up with your shit.”

“Yeah, I was good for some things with her.”

“Oh please, you two needed each other like I need a versatile club outfit.”

“I guess.”

“Sarah,” he began crossing to her, “you’ll be alright. You can be broken for a while, but we need you. That little girl needs you. We’ll get through this together, yeah?” She nodded and accepted his hug. The siblings stood motionless in the embraced for a long while. Sarah shed more tears silently, while Felix periodically dabbed his eyes on his sweatshirt.

“Thanks, Fee.”

“Sure.”

“What’s gonna happen if I go off the deep in the middle of the night and you’re not here?”

“Call Alison, I need my beauty rest and you lot are seriously cramping my style.”

“Twat.” She shoved him playfully.

“I miss her too, Sarah. I always will. But you have all of these memories, not to mention a bunch of her shit.” He gestured to the boxes marked with things like ‘Cosima’s photos’ or ‘Cosima’s school stuff.’

“Yeah, I’m not really ready to go through it all. Kira’s probably wanting Cos’ school stuff though.”

“Great” he rolled his eyes in exaggeration, “another bloody geek monkey. Why’d you let Cosima expose to Kira to that?”

“She wanted to. Besides maybe she’ll rebel and drop out.”

“After seeing how your life turned out? She’s more likely to follow in Alison’s footsteps.” He laughed and she joined in.

“Alison would kill you if she heard you say that.”

“That’s true.” He took a look around the shed once more before he continued. “Should we go inside now? Have a proper drink on the couch, talk about Alison some more.”

“Sure.”

“Better yet, we can get proper pissed and you can finally tell me about when you walked in on Cos snogging the head cheerleader at her Sweet 16 party. You know I instigated that whole encounter,” he declared proudly.

Sarah exhaled and shook her head while locking the door. “Shagging, Fee,” she replied without looking at him.

“Excuse me?” He said halting her movements back to the house.

“Yeah, shagging.” She smiled up at him.

“I heard it was a bit of friendly experimentation brought about with the help of old Granddad.” He huffed, clearly irritated that he had been given the abbreviated version of events.

“No, I know what I saw, Fee and there was definitely more than kissing happening. Those jocks that walked in must have seen the end of it.”

“And you didn't think to tell me?” He asked incredulous.

She shrugged. “She asked me not to,” she said continuing down the path to the back door.

“Blow me down. Watch out for the quiet ones eh?”

“Trust me Felix, there was nothing quiet about what was going on in that room.” They laughed at the antics and in memory of the lost friend, and for a moment all did not seem hopeless.


	6. Day 7 Ready Set Go, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima's being a downer so it's up to Delphine to cheer her up. The get a little closer as they prepare for their first big day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it really been FOUR months?! Shame on me. Thank you to everyone that has subscribed, left comments and kudos, or just lurked in the background. If you clicked on this story, read one chapter and moved on to something else, I still thank you for taking the time. 
> 
> I'm up late, and in honor of the #Cophine episode we may(?) be graced with tonight, I was inspired to whip this up before going on to some memories. I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Shout out to my writing buddy C0phineLives, the author of the indescribably excellent "Promises" for keeping me writing (even if it wasn't this story). If you haven't read Promises, please do yourself a favor and get on it!

Cosima lay in her spacious room, completely zoned out. Today was the first day that she would be exposed to memories that could help or hurt her during her trial. It was intimidating. She was intimidated. To her credit, Delphine had tried over the last few days to reassure Cosima that it would be fine. That the memories Cosima would be exposed to today should be viewed as a welcomed walk down memory lane. But Cosima couldn’t separate the fact that even these memories could be used against her. 

The door knocked to the tune of “Shave and a Haircut” and Cosima sang the last line’s tune as “Delllphinne.”

“Bonjour, Cosima” the tall blonde called out happily as she slid the door open then close. “How are you feeling today?” she asked sitting on the bed next to the moody brunette. 

“Same as yesterday. Can’t you tell?” Cosima asked waving around her room. She was right. The room was darker than usual and the music softly coming through the speakers was decidedly maudlin. 

“Is this the Smiths?” Delphine asked, her eyebrows raised, a smirk playing on her face.

“Yep. It's the playlist I can’t control, you know.”

Oui, I know. It is a little on the nose, yes?”

“Agreed. I tried to request something else or think happier thoughts, but the DJ here I guess isn’t one for subtlety.”

“I see. Do you want to talk about it?” she asked laying next to Cosima. They lay side by side, touching shoulders, but Delphine nor Cosima made any moves to do much else. Delphine twirled one of Cosima’s dreads around her fingers while she waited for the downtrodden brunette to respond. 

“I mean, of course. But I don’t want to bore you.” She admitted sadly. “It’s not like there’s new information or anything. I’m hella scared of what they’ll show, of how it’s gonna be used against me.” She sighed and turned over, burying her head in a nearby pillow. 

“Merde, Cosima! Come on, get up.” Delphine demanded gripping her love interest by her arm and pulling her to a seated position. “Listen, since today is the day of this...at did you call it, apocalypse of happiness, we should do something special before you go. Do you want to?” The french doctor asked studying Cosima’s face carefully. 

“Really?” Cosima asked standing quickly to slip off her shoes and start to remove her shirt. “I didn’t think we were there yet, but-”

“No!” Delphine interrupted pulling Cosima’s shirt down. “I mean, yes, but not today. Today is for other happy things.” she said confidently. 

“Delphinnnne, but you’re so….you.” Cosima uttered seductively as she eyed the blonde’s body.

“And I will still be me when you are done today,” she reasoned. Suddenly Color Me Badd’s ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ started to play in the room. Delphine rolled her eyes, but Cosima wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at the blonde. “Cosima.” she huffed while shaking her head. 

“Hey, man, the heart wants what it wants.” she replied shrugging. 

“Cosima,” Delphine responded pulling away while blushing. “Sex is not on schedule for the day. 

“So, you’ve scheduled it?” Cosima asked moving closer to take her companion by the waist. “Dr. Cormier, how very….efficient of you.” 

“Mon Dieu, you’re impossible.” Delphine said to the shorter woman, all the while not bothering to hide her wide smile. 

“Dance with me.” Cosima requested as the music changed to the happier, ‘Dance Me to the End of Love,’ She backed away and held out her hand. “Please, Dr. Cormier. Please do me the honor,” she bowed playfully. “The bowing thing, it’s French right?” She asked teasing the woman whose eyes sparkled in front of her. 

Delphine said nothing, but took Cosima’s hand. “I love this song very much, Cosima.” She admitted pulling the brunette in closer. 

“I think of you and it comes on sometimes.” she said shyly. Delphine spun and dipped her suddenly causing Cosima to squeal. Her teeth were on full display as Delphine determinedly dipped her out of her funk. “Jesus! That was scary. Who said you could lead anyway?” she asked while following dutifully. 

“You want to lead?” Delphine asked her challengingly as the song started again. “ok,” she said standing still. “Lead us.”

Cosima stared at their feet for a few moments. “I forgot how to lead,” she admitted blushing. 

“How?”

“You make me nervous,” she blurted before slapping her mouth shut. “Shit, I didn’t want to say that outloud.”

Delphine smiled, choosing to leave the comment there for the moment. Instead she resumed the dance, while the lights brightened and a gentle glow surrounded the pair. 

“Whoa, that’s never happened before.” 

“Perhaps this dance is meant to be the first of many, many dances between us, Cosima.” Delphine said matter of factly. 

“And this place wanted to commemorate it somehow?” She asked staring up into to the eyes she was falling for. 

“Yes,” Delphine continued confidently. “Do you feel better?” she asked as the song wrapped up for the third time.

“Infinitely. Is it bad that I don’t want to let you go?” she asked quietly, as she moved close enough to lay her head gently on Delphine's chest. 

“Non.” The taller woman replied in a whisper, while she laid her cheek on the top of the shorter woman’s head. “I am finding that letting you go in these moments is getting more difficult.” She admitted before she stilled her swaying. “I’m sorry, that just came out.”

“I feel the same way,” Cosima told her resuming their gentle rocking. The song had long since ended and a soft instrumental played in its place while the couple moved about the room. The two women could only feel the beating of their rapidly increasing heartbeats, could only smell each other’s unique scents filling their noses. Both women were becoming lightheaded in the small room, clinging to each other unknowingly to remain upright. Unbeknownst to the two of them, their arrows were a mix of each of their colors, burning bright and pointing in the direction of the other. 

“Delphine,” Cosima finally said after a long silence. “Thank you,” she whispered sincerely before she rose up to meet the lips she had grown accustomed to kissing. Delphine bent down as she moved her hands from Cosima’s hips to the sides of her face. Their lips joined together tenderly. Cosima needed Delphine’s strength for the day ahead and she felt it in the kiss, in the way Delphine held her close. Delphine craved the closeness of the cheeky brunette. Despite her attitude when she first arrived in the room, Cosima’s light and easy going nature easily calmed her usually frayed nerves. 

“Cosima,” Delphine said between kisses. “I think...I think that I am very much falling for you.” 

Cosima looked into the blonde’s eyes to search for any deception even as she knew that they were both incapable of it. “Delphine,” she beamed, “that is like totally the most awesome thing you could have said to me today. I know that I am falling for you.” she said confidently. 

Delphine ran her hands down Cosima’s arms. “Now what?” she asked nervously. 

“Well,” Cosima started still radiating with joy. “We sit and make out some more.” she told the object of her affection without hesitation. Once they sat, Cosima grabbed her hands again. “This is one of those, hearts beat faster, love attainable things, you were talking about earlier, right? That’s why it feels ok?”

“Yes, I believe that with our limited time here, our feelings for each other has progressed very quickly.”

“Or you’re just really, really gay and are embracing the whole U-Haul stereotype.” she joked earning herself a smack on the arm. “Ow, butch!” She yelled, earning another smack. 

“Cosima, you are just so...um,” Delphine looked to the sky to try to pull the word out of thin air. 

“I believe the word that you’re searching for Dr. Cormier, is adorable.” She replied as her tongue poked through her teeth. 

Delphine bit the side of her bottom lip then leaned into the shorter woman to place a tender kiss on her lips. When she pulled away from a dazed Cosima she answered, “Non, not adorable. Impossibly cheeky, maybe.” 

“I…” Cosima started to say before her alarm went off. “I guess that’s my cue.” she said, inwardly relieved that the noise stopped her from completing her thought. 

“Oui, it is time,” Delphine agreed. “Shall we go?” she rose and held out her hand for Cosima to take. 

“Sure, is that what you’re wearing,” she asked pointing to Delphine’s robe. 

“More jokes, I see. So you are feeling better?” She asked as they walked hand in hand to their separate viewing rooms. 

Cosima shrugged as her crooked grin makes its way to her face. “You know me. Kiss me like that and I’m a regular...Brian Malow.” She said matter of factly. 

“I don’t know him.” she replied confused. 

“He’s a science comedian, Delphine. Come on. Be a geek for once.” 

Delphine shook her head while chuckling but didn’t respond. “We are here.” she announced as she gazed at both doors with each of their names on it. “Are you ready?”

“Suddenly, no.” Cosima remarked as her dark mood threatened to return. Delphine grabbed her hand and tilted her head up with the other.

“Just remember that at the end of this, I will be here with you. And you can talk about it or not, ok? Besides, Cosima,” she said leaning in to kiss the brunette. “Today, you get to see your family.” 

Cosima smiled and teared up at that. She nodded. “Ok,” was all she said squeezing the french doctor’s hand.

“Ok,” Delphine squeezed back. 

The two smitten women finally let go of each other to face their respective doors. Delphine moved into her room first, leaving Cosima alone as her door slid open for her. She gulped and stepped through. Suddenly the monitor came on and Kevin appeared on screen. 

“Greetings Ms. Neihaus,”

“Hey Kev,” she waved. 

“Unfortunately this is a recording and I cannot respond to whatever witty thing you have just said. My apologies.” he said in a posh british accent that Cosima didn’t recognize. 

Cosima looked at the monitor quizzically, leaning her head to one side as her counselor continued. 

“Today, you will be shown three memories, here,” he said as the titles of the three memories were displayed. “You must review all three before you are permitted to leave.”

“A tad dramatic,” she muttered. 

“However, you will be allowed to choose which order you wish to review them. Please select your first memory now using the remote provided. And as a reminder, you are permitted to choose the viewing perspective for each memory. Good luck, Cosima. and do remember to take good notes.” His message shut off and the screen filled with the titles for her to choose. 

Cosima looked over the titles carefully. Two of the three were super vague. But the last one was clear as day. It was one of the happiest moments of her life. She teared up, thankful that she would be able to relive this moment again. She wanted to save that one for last. “Thank you,” she whispered to whoever was in charge of selecting her memories. Hovering over the first vague title marked ‘Hard Work Pays Off,” the quirky brunette inhaled and exhaled to calm herself before taking a seat and pressed play.


	7. Day 7 Ready Set Go, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite her hesitation, Cosima watches the first of three videos. An unwanted guest makes an appearance at the worst possible time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Have I really not updated this story since July?! I suck and you guys are awesome for sticking with it. I'm feeling the writing bug again, so I suspect that I'll update regularly again. Feel free to shoot me a line to light under a fire under me. 
> 
> And thanks again for reading!!

Berkeley 2002

Cosima’s N-gage rang loudly in her car. The stereo was blasted “Like I Love You” at practically full volume. The smaller brunette wasn’t too annoyed, though anytime Justin Timberlake’s falsetto notes rattled the car, she clutched the steering wheel tight. But she would let April play anything in her car. She was heads over heels in love with the girl from another nearby school. The two had been inseparable ever since April approached her after a molecular biology trivia meet between their schools where the whip smart bespeckled Cosima dominated. The late Spring sun shone down the two enamored girls as Cosima guided them effortlessly through back streets to their destination. They were headed to Cosima’s house when the “taco phone” rang again, vibrating in the center console. She turned the stereo down much to the chagrin of the short haired pop fan in the front passenger seat. 

“Hey Sarah,” Cosima said as a way of answering, the Bestial ringtone set specifically for her. 

“Oi, you silly tit, why didn’ you answer when I called the first time?” she responded annoyed. 

“I’m driv-” she began before she was cut off.

“Got your hand up the cheerleader’s skirt, eh?” she asked, ribbing her best friend good naturedly.

“Um, Sarah, you’re on speakerphone.” Cosima said gently, turning a dark shade of red. She didn’t need to look over to know that April had her arms crossed staring daggers at her. 

“I know.” Sarah said, no doubt shrugging. “Listen blow her off after you get off and come home.”

“Yeah, I’ll pass. I’m on my way home to study.” The dreadlocked girl said almost missing a turn as she felt the taller girl’s hand moving from her knee up to her thigh. “My dad’s not home for a while so…”

“I know he’s not home.” Sarah answered nonchalantly. “You’re out of crisps by the way.” she added shutting the cupboard with the unopened bag in her hand. “I said for you to come home, dum-dum.” Sarah explained ripping opening the bag and digging in like she had missed several meals. 

“Fuck Sarah, did you break in?”

“Yea.” the leather clad teenager said as if it were the world’s most normal thing to do. 

“Well, leave!” She exclaimed as one of her hands made a shoo away gesture in the air. “I...I don’t have time for this today, Sarah. We haven’t had the house to ourselves in weeks. Please, please don’t blow this for me.” she began pleading, turning to her girlfriend and mouthing a sincere sorry complete with a puppy dog face.

April rolled her eyes. She knew the drill. As soon as Sarah made an appearance, Cosima’s attention shifted to her friend. She didn’t understand their close bond. She swore that Cosima was something very close to in love with the unwashed dropout, but Cosima swore that they were just very close friends. “Cosima!” she hissed, pointing at the red light up ahead. 

Cosima too distracted trying to negotiate with her friend, didn’t notice the red light. Thankfully she slammed on the brakes at the last second, avoiding a bus that rolled in front of them. “Shit, Sarah, I got to go. I almost hit a bus.” 

“Nuh uh. I want to be here for this.” Sarah said in a no nonsense tone. She reached into the half empty bag and munched on the phone as she continued. “I’ve been hearing about it for ages, so I want to be here when you do it.”

Cosima’s eyes bugged. “You...you want to watch us?!” she asked confused and horrified. A car honked behind her as her car stood still, the driver being too in shock to accelerate. “I don’t know Sarah, that crosses a line. Even for you...at least I thought.” She said recovering enough to continue the journey home. 

“Ew!! No you twat. I don’t want to be within 900 feet of seeing your pale ass moving about the cheerleader. Making dumb “O” faces while you two enjoy it. No thanks.” she said quickly as she stood up and shook her head trying to clear the images from her head. “No dingus, your letter or whatever from UC Berkeley came today. It’s sitting on your kitchen table. Do want me to open it?” she asked teasing the dreadlocked teen. She knew never in a million, billion years would Cosima want someone else to open _that_ letter. 

“No!” she screamed, making the girl next to her jump. She was officially turned off from Cosima’s spastic driving. Now she wanted to go home to calm her nerves. But Cosima, sensing the change from her girlfriend had placed her free hand on the cheerleader’s bare thigh, tracing light circles in one particular exciting spot. She grinned when she heard the girl’s breath hitch from the movement. “I’ll be there in 2 minutes.” she said ending the call with her friend. 

“Let me guess, you’re dropping me off at home?” April asked preparing to be furious. She slapped Cosima’s hand away. 

“Not at all.” Cosima said cooly. “You’re still coming over...that is, if you still want to.” she added, her voice dropping to a seductive octave. 

“What about Sarah?”

“What about her?” Cosima asked confused, her mind on getting home to open the letter, then getting ‘congratulations, let’s do it’ or ‘I’m so sorry, cry on me, then let’s do it’ sex from her girlfriend. 

“She’s at your place, right?” She began slowly. “She’s not really going to watch is she, Cosima?” she asked. 

“God, no. If I saw her face anywhere near me and you while we’re...you know, I’d gouge my own eyes out.” Cosima answered, shaking her body to rid herself of the image. 

“Well, what’s up with her then? She she going to leave?”

“Yeah, she’ll go,” Cosima answered displaying the crooked grin at her girlfriend that she couldn’t resist. Eventually her hand made it back to the leggy girl’s thigh in time for the pair to roll into Cosima’s driveway with a rough dip, the undercarriage banging hard on the ground. 

“Ow, baby. You’re gonna break your car one day.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Cosima said jumping out of the car as soon as it was in park, totally chill as she swung her bag over her shoulder. “This thing is like a tank.” she added patting the side of the yellow car. 

“Baby, it’s a Jetta, not a tank.” she corrected her gently. Cosima shrugged, tossing the keys into the air and catching them. 

The bespeckled girl was calm and cool on the outside, her swagger never wavered as she approached the girl she was madly in love with. On the inside, she was panicking. Her mind raced with the all of her worst case scenarios. Suddenly her arrogance that she would definitely get into Berkeley, that they would be fools to deny her, seemed preposterous and immature. She reviewed the facts in her head as the duo walked up the path to her house. Of the 40,000 people that applied, only 24% got in. She inhaled and exhaled sharply, though her body needed more oxygen, April picked up on the girl holding her hand’s sharp breaths, but kept quiet. She figured that Cosima was anxious because she would have to kick her overbearing, gruff friend to the curb for once. 

Before Cosima could put the key in the lock, the door swung open. “‘Bout fuckin’ time. Come on, geek, let’s go!” Sarah pulled her friend by her free arm as the dreadlocked girl’s bag fell from her shoulder. “What are you doing?” Sarah asked pulling her along. “Drop the bleedin’ bag and let’s go!” she said getting more and more excited. 

April looked on confused. Cosima had dropped her hand from hers once Sarah took a hold of her. “Cosima! What are you doing?” She asked from a different room. The two friends had already moved to the kitchen. “I thought she was leaving.”

“In a minute, babe.” Cosima answered distractedly. She swallowed hard, chewing on her top lip nervously. She stood three feet from the package laying so menacingly on the table. Sarah looked at it, then her and shook her head. 

“Cosima, it can’t hurt you. It’s just paper.” she said laughing at her friend’s fearful expression. 

“It can.” she replied cryptically, her eyebrows knitted in concern as she continued to stare. She barely registered Sarah’s presence, let alone her girlfriend’s who had stomped into the kitchen ready to lay into Cosima when she spotted the logo of Cosima’s top choice. She looked into her girlfriend’s face and recognized it as one that requested, no demanded to be left alone. She needed space, she had to process the information, with zero distractions. 

Sarah on the other hand, saw the girl’s hesitation and rolled her eyes. She was sympathetic, but she knew Cosima would only go as far as taking the package upstairs to stare at it unopened for at least a few days. Sarah was in no mood to listen to Cosima list out the reasons for waiting for the perfect day to open it. “Come on, Cos.” she said gently pulling her to the table. She pulled a chair out and put her friend in it. The punk pulled a knife out of her jacket and handed it to her friend. 

“Jesus, Sarah. Do you walk around with a knife?” April asked in shock as the switchblade materialized in Cosima’s hand. 

“Of course. A girl’s got to be careful, doesn’t she?” She turned back to her dazed friend, tucking a dread behind her ear. “Cosima...whatever those wankers said, we’ll deal with it together. If it’s bad news, we’ll get pissed. If it’s good news, we’ll get pissed...and go dancing.” she added, bumping her friend on the shoulder. When Cosima didn’t respond, the Brit crouched down to meet her friend’s lowered eye line. “Hey…” she said surprised to find tears in the girl’s rolling down her face . She quickly wiped them away. “Eh? What’s this? Cosima Niehaus with her head bowed, her eyes lowered as if she ashamed at how great she is.” She said loud enough for the other girl to hear before she leaned in to whisper, getting into Cosima’s face. “Hey, love, do you want me to do it?”

Cosima cracked the smallest of smiles at the gesture. She shook her head and raised it. “I’m ready,” she announced loud enough for only Sarah to hear it. In truth, she had forgotten that her girlfriend was in the room. She kept her eyes on Sarah only, needing the steady and confident look on her face to even pick up the thick package. She opened it quickly, April’s hands rested on her shoulders, and she jumped slightly. The taller girl removed them, thinking that she spooked the girl too much. But Cosima pulled her close again as she pulled out the top page. The embossed letterhead was large and intimidating. Cosima scanned the logo she could have sworn was shining, with the utmost scrutiny to ensure it was from Berkeley. 

“Well,” Sarah asked holding her breath. 

Cosima knitted her eyebrows again to read the first line carefully. April had her head turned as Cosima anxiety had rubbed off on her. And she knew what Cosima in a bad mood was like and she didn’t have the patience for it today, not with her own admissions letters likely waiting at home. 

Cosima finally looked up from her fog and grinned. Her grin turned into a 1000 watt smile and tears sprang to her eyes. “We did it...I got in. I got in Sarah.” she told her friend, swallowing hard. 

“Holy shit, Cosima!” Sarah yelled. She beamed with pride as she moved quick as lightening to tackle her friend out of her chair. As the two girls crashed to the ground, Sarah straddled her. “Of course you got in, nerd. You were like born and bred for that shite, yeah?” she asked while Cosima struggled to get up with the punk using her strength to hold her down. 

“Sarah, what are you doing. Get off of her!” April screamed, pulling at the brit. 

“Oi, Malibu Barbie, calm your tits. I’m just giving her a hard time.” she answered standing and offering her hand for Cosima to take. “Nice underwear too, Cos. Are those special ‘shag me’ knickers?” she teased. 

Cosima readjusted her flowing skirt, but didn’t answer. She did grin and cock her head to the side knowingly. 

“Alright, enough with the touchy-feely bullshit.” Sarah said to the two women. “Congratulations Cos on your first step in...what was it?”

“Discovering a new element or something else hella legendary.” Cosima joked, as she reread the letter. 

“Damn, right.” Sarah replied, pulling down three glasses. “You ready?” she asked them.

“For what?” April asked, suddenly concerned as Sarah smiled mischievously. She was more concerned that Cosima sat more relaxed and smiling up at her best friend, but not answering the punk’s question. 

Sarah, as was her custom, ignored the cheerleader’s question. But a huge bottle of Bushmills appeared out of her mostly empty bag. 

“S is gonna so kill you, Sarah.” Sarah waved her away. 

“Don’t worry about her. We’re celebrating you,” she poured them each way more than a single shot, more than a single drink called for. 

“Sarah, this is way too much. And it’s only 4 o’clock.” April argued. 

Sarah waved her off too. “It’s shame o’clock somewhere,” she responded holding up the glass. “To Cosima. She’s going to save the world with her big brain. Here’s to the first step.” She finished her drink in three easy gulps, slamming the glass on the table. 

Cosima raised her glass taking a big gulp and immediately coughing. April sipped hers and coughed as well. Sarah stared at the two of them with her eyebrow arched. “Wow, you two are so not ready for college.” she joked. 

A couple of hours went by and the once full bottle contained just a third of its contents. The girls were all in Cosima’s room giggling while Sarah attempted a few skateboard jumps on Cosima’s old board. She kept falling, making them laugh harder. 

“Come on, give me some credit. It’s better than Cos ever did,” Sarah said laughing and punching Cosima in the arm repeatedly. 

“Ow, you felon,” Cosima screamed back at her friend, laughing hysterically and slurring every other word. April looked on, quiet and unsure where she fit in with the two women. Cosima didn’t necessarily change when Sarah was around, but she was hyper focused on her. Almost as if Cosima thought that Sarah needed constant attention or validation or she would act up. She sighed tiredly. 

Cosima caught the sound despite the british punk turning the radio up. She moved closer to her on the bed, putting her face next to the taller girl’s. “Hey, are you ok?” she asked gently as she ran her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” she lied, taking Cosima’s hand away. 

“No, you’re not.” Cosima said sitting up on her elbows. “What is it?”

“Do you want me to leave?” She asked point blank, suddenly feeling sober. 

“I really don’t.” Cosima answered quickly. Moving closer to her as whispered in her ear. “I was just about to ask Sarah to leave. I’ve already got you in my bedroom, we might as well hang out some more right?”April blushed. 

The room started to spin, so Cosima put her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder. “I’m really drunk.” she admitted. 

“No shit, you twat. I told you to stop drinking two shots ago. Drink some water. I’m out.” Sarah said dismissively as she walked out wobbly towards the downstairs area. She was too drunk to leave, but she knew that the couple wanted to be alone. 

“Hey, thanks Sarah. Really,” Cosima said mumbling, her head down, willing the room to stop its spinning. 

“Yea, call me later, Cos. Later Barbie.” She said waving. 

“Later.” April called back. 

After a few stumbles and curses on her way down the steps, Sarah shut the door. “So, what do you want to do before your dad gets home? April said slipping off her sweater, revealing a light colored camisole that Cosima loved. 

Cosima held up her hand. “Hold that thought,” she said standing up, then unsteadily moving towards her bedroom door. April thought Cosima was going to hurl once she stopped moving. She started to get up to help her to the bathroom when Cosima shouted. “Sarah, leave!” Sarah was caught standing by the front door listening. The Brit had pretended to leave just to sneak upstairs later to frighten the lovers. The door slammed soon after, Sarah’s laughter could be heard moving down the street. “Nut.” Cosima said under her breath, closing her door. “Sorry that took so long.” She said to the girl seated on the bed. 

April held out her hand for Cosima to take. “It’s fine. I’m glad we’re alone now.” she replied. “Come on over.” 

Cosima complied, sitting next to her. “I really like that top,” she said eyeing it closely, slowly pulling one strap down. 

Back in the viewing room, Cosima switched the viewing mode from POV to just being in the room. She would rather not have to experience this again, since she was technically an adult now and April was very much a teenager. 

The teenaged Cosima grabbed the stereo remote and switched the electronica playlist to her tried and true “Sex Jams” playlist. 

“Oh god, please no,” Adult Cosima groaned from the corner. She had forgotten all of this happened the night she was accepted to Berkeley. It certainly wasn’t worth remembering, especially because at this age she had still been doing a move that worked for exactly no one, but April had been too polite to tell her. It wasn’t until years later that they ran into each other, each home for break during grad school that the leggy woman told her the truth. They both laughed at the time, but being in the room while it was happening, having to hear both of their younger versions performing as they learned about each other’s bodies, and about their own sexual desires, was a walk down memory lane that she would never ask for. 

“Is that good to you?” she heard her younger self ask the taller teen. Adult Cosima rolled her eyes, remembering now that April always held a tight mile then made exaggerated noises of pleasure as confirmation. Right on cue, there they were and Cosima stood in the corner, staring out the window, bugged eyed and mortified. 

Since she couldn’t leave, but she thankfully didn’t have to watch or be a part of what was the cruelest version of ‘This is Your Life’ she could think of, she walked around her childhood bedroom as it was before she left for school. Once she entered college, she would never return to live in the room and she had forgotten about all of the little touches that made this room, well her. The photos of her and Sarah through the years, covering her mirror, the giant poster of the table of elements above her bed, which she would _not_ look at right now. A portrait of her mother on her desk, taken the day she came home with Cosima next to a photo of them smiling brightly on Cosima’s first day of school. She remembered her mother’s wide smile beaming down at her every morning to wake her for school. All of these things, all of the pictures, posters, drawings, everything sat in her storage room now. She just didn’t have time to unpack them, didn’t feel like it was urgent. And now...now she was dead and would never have those things again...ever. 

The newly deceased woman sat in the chair she sat hunched over in for countless hours, all to achieve what she was celebrating this very night and she felt sorry for the youngster. That essentially she got to the school, but things wouldn’t turn out how she planned, not by a long shot. “Sorry kid.” she whispered to herself since the younger version of herself couldn’t hear her anyway and was otherwise busy. 

Once Tweet’s "Oops (Oh My)" began playing, Cosima knew that they would start to wrap it up. She was nothing if not efficient at this age, she mused. That’s when she heard it, but clearly the other girls didn’t. This was the night, she remembered, having separated this moment with her joy hours earlier. Her heart started beating faster, as it became clear to her that she would have to live this again. She looked for a way out, a way to warn her younger self. Just as she was gearing up to scream her warning, the screen went white.


	8. Day 7 - Ready Set Go, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine experiences her first memory. But even as her family celebrates her most recent accomplishment, something sinister lurks in the shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, 
> 
> I wasn't planning on releasing this chapter until next wek, but I couldn't keep this to myself any longer. I hope you like it. 
> 
> Many of you have asked to know more about Delphine, especially her experiences apart from Cosima. Well, here it is. I will say that I wasn't expecting this chapter to be as long as it is, but I kind of fell in love with the Cormiers. And after everything that happened to Delphine in the show, we never got to know about her family. I would like to think of her family this way. I hope you all enjoy Delphine and her family. They will return in future chapters. 
> 
> Oh, and you may notice that her father and sister throw in a few Dutch words. In this story, Delphine's father is Belguim which shares a border (very close of Lille) with France. For all the Dutch speakers, my apologies if the words aren't right. In the words of Delphine (see chapter 3) "Google would have me saying very weird things to you Cosima. The translations are not always best.”
> 
> Author's note: Yes, I did just use a quote from myself. I'm a little bit deranged and I love it. Also wine is making a bunch of decisions for me tonight. ; ) Happy reading!

**Lille, France 2009**

“To Delphine!” The salt and pepper haired man shouted as he raised his glass.

“Delphine!!” The voices rang out around the large table. The atmosphere was joyous as it always was on Sunday night dinners. Dozens of family members would cram into the Cormiers’ two story house to eat and drink and laugh together late into the night. The walls felt as if they had expanded to accommodate the numbers of people. The room was heavy with joy. Everyone was sweaty a, but joyful to be gathered together again. Tonight the countless cousins, aunts, and uncles were focusing on the newest doctoral student of Université de Lille I. Even her two older brothers from Paris made the trip down to be with her, each bouncing a toddler on their hip.

“Get up, up!” cried her father from the far end of the table. He was a jolly, round man, already red faced from consuming too much wine with his sons and brothers in law.

“Robin!” yelled her mother from the other end. “Stop it, you’ll embarrass the girl. Let her bask, there’s no need to a show off bebe.” she assured Delphine, the last of her girls, before they had one last boy.

“Who’s embarrassed? She’s not embarrassed. Are you dochter?” He asked good naturedly addressing her in Dutch.

“No papa, of course not.” She beamed back at him.

“Fine. Mooi, I will provide the toast. Gather, gather, family, I will speak about my precious Delphine, now.  
The family gathered in from around the house at the sound of his booming voice. “Delphine come.” he motioned for her to stand next to him. She did, already tearing up from the words he was bound to say about her and the love from the people staring at the two similar featured duo hugging each other.

“Now, many of you already know this, but when Delly was born, she was very sick. Her heart, oh, her tender heart was too sensitive for this cruel world.” he said sadly grabbing at his chest. “The doctors said that she was ok, but maybe in five years, there might be trouble. So we waited, Emile and I. We waited and watched for _any_ signs that we could lose her. Every scrape of the knee, we’d jump,” he jumped miming alarm, taking Delphine in his arms and twirling her around as she squealed. “We thought oh my god, our delicate little flower. We must always protect her,” he said as he put her down, but still held onto her by her waist. “We were so scared. But while we waited for her to decline,” he motioned pointed to the ground. “She...she our little genius, grew big and strong, and so, so smart.” The proud man kissed her on the cheek. “And let me tell you, she stayed fearless. Any challenge, Delly met it head on and beat it. Nothing...nothing can stop her! She is the strongest of all of us. Including Luc, my lunkhead son,” he joked as the crowd turned to the tall and beefy blonde who blushed and raised his glass. Robin blew a kiss to the man as he continued. “My baby, Delly. Your heart is strong, really strong. You know that, but I can feel it. We all feel it, in every smile, in every good morning and good night. Your mother and I are so proud of you today and always. And now, today marks the first day th-”

“Oh my god with the dramatics, wrap it up, Robin!” Emile teased from afar. The crowd and the duo at the front of the room, erupted in laughter.

“Ok, ok,” he conceded waving his free hand around. “Delly. Good luck. This new chapter is just another and the first of many more. We all look forward to you meeting it and cannot wait to see what you dream of next. I love you. To Delphine!” he shouted again and the crowd responded. “Ok, more eating and drinking and dancing.” he requested as the music resumed and people started to gather around the new doctoral student. Delphine tried her best to wipe the tears that she couldn’t stop from falling. Her father kissed her head once more, before he disappeared in the crowd. Her family sensing her desire to collect herself didn’t keep her, just gave a kiss on the cheek or a quick squeeze on her shoulder or hand. Everyone just wanted to demonstrate that they were there for her and that she was loved. But she felt it. She always did, if no one ever said a word to her, she would know.

Hours later, most of the revelers had returned home. The home was quiet, saved for the snoring from some of the Cormier’s adult children. Delphine was wide awake and sitting at the dining room table making a list of things to do during the summer before the school session began.

“Delly? Is that you?” Her older sister, Aurelie called out in the darkness. She had a feeling that it would be. Delphine was the only child that like their father loved to do work by candlelight.

“Yes, I’m here,” she whispered. Aurelie took a seat next to her younger sister, no longer her little sister since Delphine had grown a half a foot taller than her. “Are you doing some deep thinking at 4 in the morning?”

“Working by candlelight is the most romantic, therefore logical time to do your very best thinking.” she replied quoting their father.

“I don’t know why papa says that. Candlelight is reminiscent of love, yes. And love is romantic yes, but it is far from logical.” she reasoned.

“Maybe someone seeped so deeply in the notion of romance thinks he is being logical.” Delphine countered.

Aurelie chuckled. “When did my baby sister get so smart?” she asked as she ran her fingers through the future doctor’s hair.

“About 1993, I believe.” she joked.

“What are you writing, kindje?” she asked gently.

Delphine blushed. A lists of things to do,” she said. She braced for the teasing that her older siblings gave her for being overly prepared.

Her sister instead nodded appreciatively. “That’s probably a good idea, Delly.”

“Is it?” she whispered surprised, really looking up at her sister for the first time. She stared in the eyes so similar to hers and their mother’s tentatively.

“Of course, silly. You only have a couple of months before your life gets so complicated. It’s best to get everything straightened out beforehand, yes?”

“So you don’t think it’s foolish? In the past you and the others thought I was foolish for this.”

“Kindje,” she began smiling sweetly then kissing her cheek. “You made lists of groceries to buy for your imaginary friends and tea parties. You budgeted your allowance for christmas presents and you were only 11, Delly. Plus…” she paused. “We were all stupid to make fun of you. Being organized has helped to plan for this one,” she said rubbing her growing belly.

Delphine set her pen down and placed her hand over her sister’s. “She’s getting strong, no?”

“She is.” Aurelie said smiling proudly. “I hope that she is a lot like you, actually.”

“What? A worrier, busy-body, a person that doesn’t make time for love.”

Aurelie waved her hand away at Delphine’s words. “You are none of those things, Delly. You are full of love. The right person hasn’t been able to keep up with you, that’s all. But you’re still very young.” she told her.

“Aure, you are only one year older than me.”

Aurelie shrugged. “I got lucky with David. And my girl, if I’m lucky will be like you: smart, daring, beautiful. But I want her to have my eyes, not yours.” she added as a joke.

“We have the same eyes.” she replied giggling at her silly sister.

“No.” she said defiantly. “Yours are more round.” she smiled, knowing that the argument they have been having since they were small would relax Delphine more than set her off like it was used to.

“Both of you have my eyes,” their mother said as a way to announce herself. “What are you two doing up, bebes?” she asked to to women.

“Baby kicks,” Aurelie explained.

“And you?” Emilie asked her youngest daughter.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I started to set my schedule, you know?”

Emilie smiled softly at her two girls. The two that made her the proudest. All of her children were ambitious, but these two had the most drive to succeed. Her and Robin thought they were done having children after Aurelie; Delphine and her last child, Jerome were surprises.

Virginie, their first, was their troubled girl, always getting into fights or other trouble with the the law. She lived at home when she couldn’t take care of herself, which was often. Tonight she was nowhere to be found and the large family was relieved. She would surely cause trouble for Delphine because the two never got along. Virginie thought her parents babied the last girl, prioritized her above the others. She at some point went through a phase where she thought Delphine had been faking her illness and would push the smaller girl until she couldn’t catch her breath and had to be rushed to the doctor.

“I’m glad Virgie wasn’t here tonight,” Delphine voiced with bitterness in her voice, not bothering to hide the venom encased in her words.

“Delly, you don’t mean that.” her mother said. She wasn’t really shocked that the woman felt that way, but Delphine would usually keep her unhappy thoughts to herself. Especially when it came to family.

“She would have ruined everything..” she explained. “She never wanted me to have anything. Nothing for me was how she liked it. She hates me.” she went on.

“Stop it, now, Delphine.” her mother warned her.

“It’s true maman,” Aurelie piped up, rubbing her belly again to calm her growing girl. “Virgie would have thrown things, broken dishes, cried out. You know how she is.”

“It is not the same as it once was,” Emilie said trying to defend her wild child.

“Maman, she chased after me with a broken piece of glass at Aurelie’s wedding. Or have you forgotten?” Delphine asked raising her voice to a harsh whisper to her mother.

“Do not forget who you are speaking to, little one.” Her mother said just as quickly, flashing her fierce green eyes at her girl. “You both would do well to remember that she was not lucky enough to inherit all of the gifts that you two have received. She is struggling. But like all of us, she is doing her best to survive in this world.”

Delphine scoffed, but said nothing more.

“Stop being petulant, Delphine. It is a very ugly thing for a woman to be. Especially a doctor.”

“I’m not being petulant, maman,” Delphine snapped uncharacteristically. She was just tired. But mostly she was tired of her mother defending her sister’s unreasonable behavior.

“So that’s the kind of doctor you plan to be?” her mother asked sadly. “A doctor that judges the ones that come to you sick? Would you be so flippant of a baby with your condition if their mother came in addicted to a substance? Would you turn your back then?”

“I’m not going to be that kind of doctor.” Delphine said dismissively. She wanted to be done with this conversation.

“Do what you want, Delphine. Just know this: A Cormier never, ever turns their back on family. We may shout and scream at one another. And yes that includes coming at one another with broken glass. But when the call comes to lend a hand, if you are able, you go running. Especially to your sisters and brothers. Understand?”

Delphine got quiet, fiddling with her pen as she averted the glances of the older women in the room. She felt like a disobedient child, rightly corrected by her mother. She had so much to learn about compassion and forgiveness. “Yes, maman,” she said quietly.

“Thank you. Now, don’t stay up too late, bebes.” Emile instructed her girls, kissing each of their heads.

After their mother departed, the two sisters sat in silence. Aurelie sat rubbing her belly and staring at the silent blonde next to her. Delphine just twirled her pen and stared at her list. “I know maman has a point about family, but Virgie is a supreme bitch for doing that to you. And between you and me, she would have ruined tonight for you.”

Delphine nodded. “Maybe. But maman is right.”

“Of course she was right, she always is.” Aurelie agreed. “Still Virgie deserves a good slap. And I think that you owe her.”

Delphine smiled appreciatively at her big sister. “It would be pretty funny to see her face, no?”Aurelie nodded and smiled wide, glad that she still had the influence to bring her sister out of her funk.

“Delly, you’ll be fine.” she said turning serious. “Out there, I mean. You’ll be a doctor of bugs or whatever you’re doing and you’ll win many doctor awards, and we’ll always be there to cheer you on. I promise.”

“Thanks for the encouragement, Aure, but I didn’t need the pep talk,” she said confused.

“Of course you did,” sher sister said. “ I caught you looking at Oma’s portrait earlier. You only do that when you’re anxious. “

Delphine looked at her skeptically before she turned away. It was true. Delphine always looked to her Oma when she was confused or anxious. When she was a little girl, her grandmother would be there to take her onto her lap and let her just vent before she dispensed with any advice. After she died Delphine didn’t think that anyone could help her again. So she just stared at the portrait and had a conversation with her grandmother, hoping that the answers would beam straight to her head and heart. She knew it was juvenile, so she rarely did it when others were around, but tonight felt different, she looked on unashamed. She felt the long gone woman in the room tonight, so she figured she would spend some of the quiet hours with her as she wrote out her list.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Delphine. We all miss her. But you two had a special bond, there’s no denying that. It’s fine to want to be with her. Do you want me to leave you alone?” she asked sincerely.

“No, you can stay,” Delphine answered gripping her sister’s hand reassuringly. “But I need to do this, so if you want to stay you have to listen to me talk to myself.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time...or the hundredth. she teased. The two sisters stayed up together for a little while longer speaking softly as the candles melted in front of them. They took turns massaging each other’s feet and shoulders. Aurelie went to bed long before Delphine stopped writing, breaking her task list down to every detail. Eventually the very active woman fell asleep at the dining room table just as she had for years as a young student. Her father was the first to come downstairs in the early morning to spy his youngest daughter passed out in the chair. He used his hulking figure to pick up the 25 year old effortlessly and carry her and her list to her room and in bed. He resolved to wake her for a father-daughter breakfast later in the morning.

Delphine awoke around 11 o’clock in her bed. She was unsurprised that she was there, but she was surprised that she had slept in so long. She practically jumped out of bed to wash up when she heard her father singing downstairs.

A half an hour later as she descended the stairs, all was quiet in the kitchen. Her parents were slow dancing without any music playing. The pair, that were so in love after more than 20 years of marriage, stared into each other’s eyes as if they had just fallen for one another. After all they had been through, after six children, the loss of their parents, even after one of Robin’s art studios had burned down, they still stayed together, always dancing. Delphine just stood in place on the landing to watch a little longer. How she hoped that she would be lucky enough to experience even a tenth of the happiness that her parents had when they looked at one another. The toaster dinged and the couple was pulled from their bubble momentarily.

“One moment, love. I just have to butter Delly’s bread.” Robin said to his wife. Delphine took that moment to come down.

“Good morning, maman, papa,” she said as she walked in, kissing each of their cheeks.

“Good morning, docther,” the large man said.

“Good morning, bebe,” her mother answered. “Did you have a good sleep?”

“I always sleep well when I am home.” she said truthfully. “Honestly, it’s the best sleep I’ve had in months.”

“Good, now sit.” her father said pulling out a chair for her, then his wife.

“No, thank you, Robin. I have to get to work.” Emile told him. She kissed him softly on the lips then. “Thank you for the dance.”

“Thank you for all of the dances.” he replied with a sparkle in his eyes. The pair left in the kitchen smiled their unmistakable Cormier smiles at her and Emile melted. She loved her big family so much. Those smiles would carry her through the day.

Robin set down a freshly brewed cup of black coffee and a Delphine’s favorite pastry in front of her. The plate was her favorite, although she couldn’t remember ever telling her father that. It was from her grandmother’s collection of dishes. A small white plate, with delicately hand drawn lavender lilies around the top. The small chip on the plate that had been worn smooth was Delphine’s favorite feature. Small, imperfect, but its beauty was unmatched. A small smile cracked through her face as she glanced at it.

“Is the couque au chocolat alright for you?” he asked. “I wasn’t sure. And your sister said it would be impolite to ask if you were on a diet.” he said sincerely as his neck turned red from embarrassment.

“No papa, it is delicious.” she remarked taking a bite of the homemade pastry she knew her father made.

“Well good,” he said taking a sip of coffee as he picked up a paper and pretended to read it. In truth, he was subtly watching her to ensure that she wasn’t just being polite.

Delphine picked up on his nervousness and finally his stares and giggled. “Papa, stop it. I love it, alright?” she said taking another big bite.

“I am sorry, my love. But you are at that age where women tend to want to stroke a man’s ego.” he said plainly.

“But I am a Cormier woman.” she retorted, as she set down her cup. She stared at her father hard, so that he understood her meaning. “We never compromise...especially when it comes to pain au chocolat.” she concluded smiling.

“Of course.” he returned laughing as his whole belly shook. He slapped her heartily on the back in appreciation. “How could I be so stupid as to forget that? Well! Here I am, a stupid man for forgetting my girls are Cormier women!” he said loud enough for any nearby neighbors to hear through the open window.

Delphine also laughed loudly at her father’s declarations. He really was the most joyful person she had ever met. Just briefly as they quieted down, Delphine saw a figure stop, then continue walking past their open window. She shook it off as her imagination to regard her father who was settling down.

“So, Doctor docther,” he began, “what is on your very full plate today? Will you come with me to the studio?” he asked hopefully. “I would love to begin getting a sketch of you before you start school and I never see you again.” he half joked.

“You will see me papa...at graduation,” she teased. “No, I am afraid that today is no good. I have to enroll in an English class to brush up on it if I want to maximize my prospects for employment,” she reasoned as the last of the pastry went into her mouth.

He frowned. “But the light in you is perfect. You are too sensible. You must get that from your mother.”

“Ah, yes. But I am still equal parts dreamer, like my lovely father,” she countered rising to put her dishes in the sink.

He smiled proudly. “I will take it.” He stood and placed his dishes in the sink as well. Kissing his daughter on the top of her head, he towered over her as he hugged her a final time. “Ok, docther, I will see you soon. Come by again soon.” He left soon after closing the door to the now empty house save for Delphine.

The soon to be doctor gladly washed the morning dishes. It wasn’t often that she was in the quiet home by herself.

In the viewing room, the deceased doctor began to cry. She missed her family so much. Taking this opportunity as she past self washed dishes, she switched viewing perspectives and found herself in the corner of the kitchen just watching her younger self, blissfully just exist. When did it change, she wondered. When had that bright light just behind her eyes stopped glowing. She didn’t remember. Couldn’t remember the moment when everything got turned just a darker shade of grey and that scared her. She could only remember parts of her life, but not the moment or moments when her high optimism was taken away from her.

Since she couldn’t remember, she put that worry out of her mind and walked around the kitchen. She was unsure when this memory was supposed to end, so she took advantage of the time. She noticed the refrigerator first. It was as she remembered it. Shorter than her at this age. It was covered with papers of varying degrees of yellow. A drawing from each Cormier child and a couple from the Cormier grandchildren. Old school photos of her and her siblings were also there. She laughed through her gathering tears at a photo of herself about seven; her two front teeth missing smiling at her father as he blackened out his two teeth so that she didn’t feel alone. She swore that she could smell the bread from her father’s pain au chocolat, could still taste his coffee as it slid hot down her throat and settled warm in her belly. She was certain that she felt the gentle summer breeze mixed the cool air from the nearby river. She swore she felt it all, even though it wasn’t possible anymore.

She continued to walk and feel, trying to imprint every single crack in the wall, every small stain in the house into her faded memory. Before she died, she hadn’t been to France to visit her parents in years. The closeness never diminished, but once she graduated, she was hired to work and it took her far away from Lille. Now, as she walked along to the quiet living room that housed the dented couches, abused from years of children dozing or wrestling on them, the wallpaper the peeled almost immediately after her father put it up, his amazing paintings, she started to feel regret. She felt like she had abandoned this amazing family. She felt no better than Virginie. That she used them when she needed them close but never reached out, never called to check up on them otherwise. And they would never say that. Her parents were too good, too selfless to ever say that to her. But she felt it, she was selfish. And she deserved to die alone. Thousands of miles from them.

Delphine wanted to shut off the video, to end this cruel torment before her thoughts got any darker. But the girl, the young woman was her and she was alive. Delphine Cormier, at least in this memory was very much alive and happy and excited for her life to really begin. And the deceased Delphine had to hold onto that. Not what was to come, but what was, in this moment. And in this moment she was...happy. Really and truly happy. And the darker thoughts began to recede again. She could have swore that the light got brighter in the vision, but the younger Delphine had just opened the curtains before leaving the home. Her mother loved coming home to a home filled with the breeze and Delphine was happy to give her that.

As she shut the door, she stepped back and looked at her childhood home, as if for the last time. It was silly, she knew that she was coming back next week for dinner. But something told her to capture this moment. That once she started to prepare for school things wouldn’t be the same for a while. She smiled brightly as she walked down the familiar streets to catch the train. The older Delphine watched her walk away and wondered why the vision hadn’t followed her. She looked around the street, confused as her younger self rounded the corner blissfully taking in the gorgeous blue skyed day. Then she saw it, just as her younger self had earlier, the shadow. For a moment, just for a moment, she caught it moving in the direction of the younger Cormier. Something about the shadow terrified her. It was familiar, but she couldn’t place it, not entirely. That was until she did the math in her head. She now remembered what day it was. She fearfully recalled what happened as the darkness fell. She took off running to warn the younger woman, to scream a warning, but the screen turned white before she made the turn.


	9. Day 7 Ready Set Go, Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima relives her last graduation day and spends time with the love of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearest readers, 
> 
> I must admit that story has turned into quite the beast. But I am determined to keep writing and publishing it because I have come to enjoy the journey of these two. They'll come together shortly, I promise. 
> 
> Happy Christmas if you celebrate it. Happy and safe holidays otherwise. I'll see you all again on the internet very soon.

Cosima stood up suddenly after the first memory ended, terrified. “What was that?” she asked herself as tears rolled down her face. She couldn’t despite her best efforts remember why she would be crying. She turned back to the cushioned chair to check her notes but found that after she wrote about the last song playing, she stopped writing. It was weird though that the line where there was no writing were covered in pencil eraser marks. The brunette looked over her notes again confused. Everything else she remembered writing but this note, this last note was just gone. And how could she erase it if she were only holding a pen?

The screen flashed a warning. The screen displayed in big blocky white letters on a black background ‘Select a memory or one will begin in 2 minutes.’ There were only two memories left and she still wanted to savor the one that would surely make her day, so she chose the other option: Graduation Day. Cosima was not really sure which graduation day the video was referring to. Each one had its share of disasters and celebrations. So, reluctantly and with some hesitation since the last vision ended so abruptly and with her crying for reasons that she couldn’t remember, she pressed play.

**Berkeley, California, USA 2008**

Cosima raced down the steps to open the door for Felix. Her apartment buzzer had been broken for the better part of the year so she had become accustomed to racing downstairs to answer it. After scaring countless pizza delivery drivers with her breathlessly throwing the door open, she had learned that taking a deep breath then opening the door like a human being would was good. “Well hello gorgeous!” Felix said as a way to announce himself.

“Wow, Felix, you look fantastic!” Cosima exclaimed happy to see her other best friend again after a year and a half. “New York agrees with you.” she continued nodding her head to her own assessment.

“Yes, darlin’ it’s called getting some color. Something you obviously have been neglecting.” He answered grabbing her chin and turning her head side to side. “No, the California glow is nowhere in there. Darlin’ you are aware that it is June and you look like you’ve been hibernating in Siberia during the coldest winter?”

“Yes, I am aware,” she answered rolling her eyes. “But I have been busy.”

“Yea, Sarah told me you’ve been insufferable the last six months trying to finish everything up. So...is it done? Are we getting our little Cos back now?” he asked playfully as Cosima led him by the arm upstairs to her second floor apartment.

“Yes, it is done. But, I haven’t been strictly engaged in school stuff,” she admitted.

“Cosima please, I am not in the mood to be blindsided with another one of your Runewars tournaments. I’ll never forgive Sarah for ditching me that night. And you getting so hopped up on coffee and cola I thought we were going to have to peel you from the ceiling. None of that today, right?”

“Right,” she agreed. “Not a tournament, I promise. But I do have company. And...I wasn’t expecting you until later so, she’s still around.” Cosima spoke in hushed tones outside her apartment door to keep her company from hearing her and Felix. “And she kinda didn’t know you were coming at all.”

“Oh,” he responded gleefully. “did I interrupt it?”

“What?”

“The, oh don’t make me say it. It’s too easy, Cos.”

“What?” she asked again smiling, oblivious to where he was going.

“Cosima Niehaus, if I have to spell out an orgasm joke to you I’m getting on a plane right now.” he said half-joking.

Cosima stared at him quizzically for a little longer before her eyebrows lifted in recognition. “I see… I get it,” she said nodding. “Coming. Haha. And yes, to be honest you did, so just be totally chill when we get in there. Plus she lives here, so you’re kinda in her space.

“You U-Hauled!” He shouted loud enough for Cosima to get on her toes to clamp his mouth shut with her hand. “On my god I saw it,” he exclaimed as he accidently peeked into her robe that came undone. “I looked....I shouldn’t have looked.” he said.

“Serves you right.” as she tied the robe’s belt tighter around her waist.

“Oh my god, I think I just got gayer.” Cosima slapped her arm.

“Fee, please be cool in there.” she pleaded. “She already hates Sarah, by like a lot.”

“Well that’s not very hard to do, is it?” he asked of his sister. “I will ‘be cool’” he agreed using air quotes. “But I need to know...whose apartment is this?”

The short brunette rolled her eyes. She knew her answer would be unbelievable to him given her track record but he did ask. “It’s mine. And I asked her to move in before you ask.” she spoke quickly, but really quietly. No doubt her girlfriend would wonder what was taking her so long, and it was possible that she had heard the two outside the door.

“Well, well, Cosima, you little devil. Well, she must be a hell of a woman to not only get a key to your place, but decorating decision power in your hallowed space.”

“Yes she is, now let’s go. Just be British and charming. Like in the movies,” she told him as she put her hand on the door to open it.

“oh, Cos, I forgot!” he exclaimed slamming the door before she had a chance to walk through. She looked at him astonished. “Happy graduation day, love. We’re all very very proud...that you didn’t end up travelling across country like Sarah wanted you to.” he said in jest.

“Thanks, Fee.” she replied while she pulled him in tight for a hug. “Ok, you are ready...can I finally do this now?” she asked cheekily, he nodded, flipping his hair to prepare himself to be his charming and aloof self to the stranger. As the duo walked into the spacious living room, a very tall and leggy woman with huge hair appeared from the bathroom.

“Holy shit.” Felix whispered in amazement.

“That’s one way to introduce yourself.” Cosima joked.

“You must be Felix,” the woman replied brushing off his expletive with a wide, toothy smile and her hand extended. He nodded dumbly before Cosima nudged him.

“You’re gorgeous, statuesque even.” he remarked as he just gazed at every curve, mentally sketching her.

“She is,” Cosima replied beaming as she walked over to her girlfriend’s side. She had a good six or seven inches on the brunette, but the pair still fit incredibly well together and they both looked over the moon at each other. “Felix this is Rashida, Rashida, Felix.

“Pleasure.” Felix said sincerely. He looked at his old friend and noticed something he hadn’t seen from her in years, a sparkle in her eye. She usually only got that look when she yammered on about a new theory she was researching. That’s when he would tune out and pull out his phone. But he could also tell from the way his friend looked over at him that as much as she was clearly in love with this woman, she still wanted to Felix to like her. He was certain that the fact that Rashida hated Sarah tore Cosima up more than she would let on.

“Have a seat,” Cosima offered. He took a seat in the big fluffy chair that he always sat in. No matter the space, Cosima kept that ratty old thing she got in high school. But it was still perfect to him, the dent in the cushion gave the person sitting just the right amount of slouching without hurting their back and he liked that.

“So,” he began as Cosima disappeared to the kitchen to grab drinks. “Cosima’s been keeping you a secret. Why?”

“I believe that is a question for Cosima, not me.” She answered honestly, before she smiled wide again, the gap in her two front teeth seeming more pronounced than before as she relaxed in her space again.

“Alright, fair enough. So how did you two meet? Cosima’s so small compared to you, I’m surprised you could find her all the way up there.”

“Please,” Cosima answered returned with mugs of tea for everyone, “I’m big where it counts,” she joked and chuckled as she took a seat on the arm of the chair her girlfriend relaxed in. Rashida smacked her on the arm for the crass remark. “Ow! Small bones, remember. Only gentle touches for Cosima.”

“Well, since I’m charged with being charming and British, I won’t respond to that little crack. But I would like to hear the story.” He said again, looking to the taller woman.

After a period of silence in the room, Rashida spoke up, “Oh, you mean motor mouth’s not going to jump in again?” she asked Felix. Cosima put her hand to her chest in mock offense, but stayed quiet.

“Wow, you’ve trained our little Cosima well. Well done,” the brit said impressed that anyone or anything not academic related would keep the budding scientist quiet for more than thirty seconds.

Rashida shrugged and continued. “I had just put on a play that I had written as my master’s thesis at the Shotgun Players and Cosima was there for...reasons.

“I wanted the star’s number,” Cosima interjected.

Rashida rolled her eyes. “Yes, well I had to be the one to tell this little sprout that the lead in the play was only playing a queer character and that she would not appreciate any ‘autograph fiends’ coming to see her after the show.” The tall woman sighed. “I cannot tell you Felix how happy I was that that was the last performance. She was a mess.” She shook her head at the memory of chasing down the actor after every breakdown, console her after any bit of criticism, and ignore her when she handed down those ridiculous proclamations about so call fans. “Anyway, Cosima and I got to talking and I could see pretty quickly that she understood my play more than most. So we went to a late dinner that night and got to know each other better. I mean how could you not fall in love with her.” she said looking up at the scientist dreamily.

“I have said that on occasion about myself,” Cosima said in jest. “But once she opened her mouth, I knew that she was the someone I was really looking for,” she said in all honesty.

“Yeah, I’m sure you paid special attention to her mouth,” Felix retorted. “Sorry, that wasn’t very British and charming.”

The dreaded scientist leaned her head to the side and looked at Felix in mock annoyance. “Anyway, babe, I didn’t mean to interrupt your story,” she remarked while she lovingly scratched the woman’s neck in a way she knew the playwright would enjoy.

“That’s pretty much the story. That was almost a year ago.”

“So, you two have been together a year. I take it you had the distinct displeasure of meeting the scowling face of Cosima’s father Herbert.” Felix asked, his voice dripping in disdain. Not only did the elder Niehaus dislike him, but Felix held an even lower opinion of the man after what he did to Cosima years earlier.

“I’ve met him,” she answered in a measured tone. She was aware that any mention of Cosima’s father instantly dimmed her girlfriend’s mood. And it would only get worse if she or Felix talked badly about him. The shorter brunette had expressed that she in her own way still loved him because he was her last parent.

“Well, he’s not sitting with us today, is he Cos?” Felix asked instantly regretting that he made his way across the country to be within 200 yards of that man.

“Never in a million billion years would I let that happen,” she answered as she stood to refill her mug.

“Great! And I’m sure you don’t know since I only just heard about it, but Sarah’s not coming. She ran into a bit of legal trouble in Arizona, so she’s a little tied up there,” he said as plainly as he if he were telling her the time. Cosima nodded knowingly. She knew that Sarah would have come around for her graduation even if they weren’t speaking much after their fight about Rashida.

“I figured. So, is S coming?” she asked instead once she returned with a steaming cup of tea, She was hoping that the woman she saw as a mother figure would make an appearance.

“With bells on, Cos. She wanted to I quote, ‘see at least one of her kids bloody graduate from something other than the completion of court ordered community service.’ We’re all proud of our little Geek Monkey.”

“Geek Monkey?” Rashida asked, confused.

“Don’t ask. They’ve been calling me that for years. I don’t fight it anymore.” Cosima answered.

The three young people continued to talk will into the early afternoon. At times the two lovers would just stare into each other’s eyes while they sat in the oversized chair, forgetting that Felix was there until he cleared his throat for the fourth time in mock annoyance.

“Well, I can see that you are emitting signals for a well overdue shag before the festivities,” he said piping up after the two casually started to kiss and touch one another gently.

“Sorry, Felix, ‘Shida’s been out of town for a few days,” Cosima said apologetically.

“Yes, yes, I understand and your poor little lesbian libidos can’t stand the anguish of my presence, I get it. I do,” he said playfully. “Just make sure that you’re not late to your own graduation, Cos.” he warned her as he stood to leave.

In the viewing room, Cosima set down her pen momentarily to relive this moment. She missed Felix and his quick wit, his way of asking how she was while giving her a hard time. He always wanted to see her happy and he made damn sure that she always took time to put herself first at times, even if it were at the expense of his sister. She instantly felt some regret that she had started to drift from him after she went to school and he moved to New York. Sarah started to call on her more then and her first semester of college was made harder because of it. And here he was now sitting in her living room not judging her girlfriend, just happy that she was happy. She teared up thinking of the affection he showed all of the women in his life.

And Rashida. Cosima never forgot her, though the memory of her dimmed considerably over the years. Her face had started to fade in her mind as years went by. But here, she remembered so much, her body was just as incredible, even though as time went by Cosima was sure she had made up its gloriousness. The length of her legs, the width of her hips, that huge hair she would wear all out on special occasions, the fulness of her lips. That body, just beneath that full length cotton robe the shorter woman relished slipping from her shoulders every night. All of it was here for Cosima to see again, and she felt so, so cheated that she had messed that all up. Back then she was convinced that together she and Rashida would build incredible, life altering things. This woman made Cosima consider having a family right out of school. She was that special.

She remembered this day very vividly. It was another rollercoaster day for many reasons, but one of the highlights, hell most of the highlights of her young life was because this, tall, temperamental, loud, fiercely loyal, loving woman. Rashida was hers. And at the time, Cosima knew that she belonged to her. After Felix left, the two women smiled knowingly at each other and Cosima sauntered over to her girlfriend to close the distance.

“I like Felix,” Rashida said simply as she bent down to kiss the scientist.

“I’m sure he liked you too,” she replied between kisses. “But can we do the debrief after? I feel like I kinda owe you. Again.” she clarified.

“You do,” she answered plainly as she pulled away, grabbing Cosima’s hand to lead her to their bedroom. Unfortunately, Cosima’s phone rang. The pair groaned as Cosima released her hand to search for it. There were a few more people that she had to coordinate with today so she had to answer every phone call when she normally wouldn’t. But the caller id flashed with the one name she dreaded, it was her father.

“Yes,sir,” she answered and Rashida immediately understood from the tone of her girlfriend’s that her father was his usual cold business like self with his daughter. Even if it were her graduation.

Cosima in the viewing room gulped. She knew that even though she was graduating today and was preparing to pursue her phD later in the Fall, her father was on the other end of the line with other ideas. She sighed, knowing what was coming next. And there it was, her shoulders slumping in defeat as her younger self listened to the elder Niehaus go on about what was best for her and what she should be thinking about instead of her passions. She had forgotten what he said exactly, but she recognized the tightening of her jaw, when she pulled off her glasses to rub her eyes to mask the fact that tears had gathered in them. How when she stared off into the distance while he spoke, how she wished her mother was here to run interference. But she never said anything about it bothering her to anyone, ever, not even to the one person in the room with her that wanted nothing more than to make her girlfriend happy. The older Cosima felt so badly for the younger version of herself and for Rashida. They didn’t know what was to come. They had no way of knowing that one day they would disappoint watch other so badly that the relationship would end and they would never speak again. She swallowed hard thinking about it now. After more time went by, she was unsure how long, the younger version of herself hung up the phone. The Cosima viewing the memory picked up her pen again to resume notetaking.

Cosima remembered what happened next and she was thankful to whoever was in charge of putting together her weird clip package just skipped to the couple driving to UC Berkeley for the graduation.

Rashida out her hand on Cosima’s bobbing knee as she pulled into the parking garage. “Breathe, baby. It’ll all be over in a few hours.” The woman promised her love.

“I know.” Cosima said as she attempted to smile genuinely. But her father was there, no doubt he would want to see her after the ceremony. And she really didn’t want to deal with him and his demands. Most of all, she didn’t want him and his silent, but hostile judgement anywhere near Felix or Rashida. It was her day, but she knew he would quickly make it about himself. The deceased scientist watched the two lovers in the backseat of their car while Rashida spent the next few minutes reassuring her.

Thankfully, even more of the day went by without Cosima having to relive it. When the vision picked up from the car, the two women were in bed. It was dark out but it was still the same day.

“Holy crap, I’m getting whiplash,” Cosima whispered to herself from the corner as though if she spoke any louder, the couple could hear her.

“So, are you settled now?” Rashida asked her as she laid her hand tenderly on her girlfriend’s bare chest.

“Give...give me a mi-a minute to catch...this thing,” she said pointing to her heaving chest.

“Sure,” the woman replied tenderly. She placed her head on Cosima’s chest. the smaller’s woman’s heart beat so wildly in her chest the way it did after they finished making love. She adored the sound of Cosima’s heart beating. She swore it had its own rhythm and it when it beat fast like this, she was even more convinced that was true. “I love you, Cosima Niehaus. And I’m so proud of you,” she added as she unstuck herself from Cosima’s sweaty body to gaze at her love.

Cosima hummed. She never got tired of hearing that from someone she loved back. When they were like this, Cosima felt really free, like all her troubles didn’t matter. As long as they stayed in each other’s arms, as long as they whispered I love yous through the night, nothing could touch her. The dwindling solitary candle by the bed flickered, casting half of Rashida’s dark face in an even darker shadow. “I…” Cosima hesitated.

The deceased Cosima continued to stand in the corner to give the two some privacy, but she swallowed hard, feeling the butterflies in her stomach again. The younger version looked her way and she blinked as they seemingly locked eyes. She reflectively nodded to encourage the young woman to do what she had to.

The new graduate climbed out of bed in search of her bag that she carried around earlier in the day. It was harder to find in the dark, with their clothes thrown carelessly on the floor. “Ow, dammit!” she exclaimed as she stepped a figurine knocked to the floor from her cap being flung from her head. Once the bag was located she sat crossed legged, naked as the day she was born to dig through it.

Cosima watched herself in amusement. She had forgotten that with Rashida, she often walked around her apartment nude. She had picked up the habit from the playwright. After Rashida, she never felt comfortable enough with any lovers to do the same. It felt too vulnerable.

The younger Cosima tossed random items out of the bag including the business card that her father had given her without a word. The card just had a bunch of stuffy names on it and a large number. She thought about ripping it up for good measure, but if she did, she would be letting her father into her head space right now and she did not want to do that. When she finally found want to she was looking for she made a hasty return to their fluffy bed. Though the day was a typical warm day, the night was considerably cooler. As she got under the covers shivering a little, Rashida had looked up at her in time to seductively seal the joint she rolled. Cosima gazed at her mouth and gave her a lopsided grin. “Hell yes,” she whispered in a playful tone, licking her lips.

As the weed smoke filled the room, the lovers passing it back and forth, choosing to remain in their own heads rather than speak while they smoked, the deceased Cosima sat uncomfortably in her chair. She just wished she could at least feel the effects of the substance. All she experienced was the smell of it, along with everything else in the room: the thick air as the result of their love making, the slight chill from the drafty window near the desk where she sat, the low heat the candle gave off. “Oh, man, my kingdom for a hit of that perfectly rolled joint.” she said in agony. She then wondered if she could get high in the afterlife if she wished for it.

“So, I heard your group talking about Dyad,” Rashida said, her speech strained and chest tight from holding in the smoke. She exhaled and looked down at Cosima who laid blissfully on her chest.

“Yeah,” she answered quietly before she took a hit, then coughed through her exhale. She sat up and put the spent joint in the nearby golden ashtray she found at a garage sale last week. The new purchase’s crusty bottom stained and crusty from years of tobacco sat perfectly on the couple’s second hand nightstand. “They wanted to know who got accepted into the internship program in Toronto.” she said simply as if it weren’t a big deal.

“And...Cosima, what about you?” she asked.

She shrugged. “They called me too. I got in.”

“Cosima!” she exclaimed practically throwing the smaller woman off of her. “Why do you always do that? Why do you insist on keeping me in suspense?”

“Because you were a theater major. And as your kind knows, life is a theater. It’s about the Drama,” she teased as her tongue stuck out a little between her teeth.

“I will smother you,” she remarked. “Seriously baby, that’s...wow congratulations. So when do you have to leave?” she asked full of excitement.

Cosima shrugged again, not really wanting to get into such a complication on a perfect night. “Three months. I would work there, get experience and stuff and work on my doctorate too. But I don’t know if I want to go anymore.” she said quickly.

“Why?” she asked before it dawned on her. “Sarah,” she said shaking her head. “Baby, don’t let a childhood friend spoil your childhood dream,” she told her while doing her best at keeping her temper in check. “Please don’t put your life on hold because she might not like your decision.”

Cosima sat up and folded her arms defensively. “I’m actually not doing that. But I don’t know if I want to be so far away from family either. And from you,” she admitted quietly, her voice taking on a sad, defeated tone.

“Well, Felix is back East and he’s family. It’s not like the place is a prison Cosima. You can call home and even, and this may come as a shock to you, come back to visit,” she teased her. “And,” she added, rubbing her love’s belly to sooth her, “I’ll be right there with you. In a few months, I’ll have everything wrapped here. We can keep the apartment and sublease it or let it go. But babe, we already talked about this: you go to Dyad, make bank, and keep me in lavish jewelry while I make connections in the art world. Easy.” she said in her typical playful tone. She took a deep breath and a strong exhale out before she continued, “But, Cosima you have to go. It’s a great opportunity to do what you’ve been working 6 years for.” she told her without humor.

“Fiiiiine,” Cosima relented, dragging out the word like a petulant child. She ended with a pout that Rashida ended when she tucked Cosima’s lip back in to meet the other. “You’re right, I’m being an overthinking person, right now. I’ll go. Of course. of course,” she repeated as she shook her head causing her dreads to swing wildly about her face.

“Thank you.” she replied.

“Before I leave I really should do one thing though,” Cosima said in a serious tone. The taller woman looked over at her, not really sure what to expect from her girlfriend. She looked and waited with expectant eyes for Cosima to continue. “Well...I can’t leave until I propose to you,” she told her as her 1000-watt smile broke through.

“Don’t be dumb,” Rashida answered while she smacked the shorter woman on the arm. “You get really silly when your high sometimes.”

Cosima’s smiled widened and her eyebrows climbed higher on her head. She chuckled while her girlfriend looked her over expecting her to drop the charade. But Cosima reached over her to her side of the bed and brought over a small envelope that contained the ring. “I’m not playing,” she told her. She kept her smile, but inside her heart refused to slow down. So much so that her next words came out shaky. “I have never ever experienced anything or anyone like you before. I want to keep your...unrelenting goodness in my life. I would be so so honored if you married me. … Oh, um, please,” she said to break any tension.

“Are you for real?” she asked. “You’re proposing marriage with an envelope?” she asked again, this time confused.

“Oh shit! Sorry, sorry cannabis brain,” she said realizing that she had made her brief speech while holding out the envelope. “Here, I’m sorry. Let me try that again.” she said clearing her throat. This time, she helped out the small ring, and prepared to say the words she rehearsed again.

“No...I mean, don’t do the speech again. Just…” the statuesque woman pulled at her ring finger, nervous. She felt ridiculous. Behaving in a way that women in the overly smoltzy movies do when the cardboard cut out of a leading man proposed. “Sorry…” she said taking a deep breath, as she exhaled a shakily. She held her left hand out and held it with her right to minimize the shaking. “Yes, Cosima, I’ll marry you!”

The graduate beamed as she slipped her mother’s engagement on her fiancee’s finger. It fit perfectly like she knew it would, because Rashida was perfect. She always would be, she decided.

Cosima still sat in the chair, her tears streaked her face. She remembered this elation, this unrestrained joy and she hated it. She didn’t want to feel these good feelings knowing that it would never last. But she was here, having to relive all of this hope and optimism as a dead person. As a memory. She wiped her face angrily and stared at the happy couple, hating that despite her not wanting to, she still felt the love in the room. It was stifling, made even more so since she couldn’t end it the vision. Worse still, she knew what was to come. The younger version of herself and her love would stay up all night making love and plans for their new life in Canada. Cosima sat in the chair listening, now beginning to weep because she knew none of it would happen. Absolutely none it and she cried knowing the devastation to come and she couldn’t stop it. “Please, stop” she whispered helplessly before the room went white and she found herself in the viewing room, silent and alone.


	10. Day 8: I’ll Show You Mine If...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima & Delphine spend the day and night indoors reliving their past lives. Heavy Cosima mocking ensues!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello/ Bonjour! Long time, no talk.   
> Little change in storytelling to get me moving again. I decided to skip writing all of the memories out. I may do them as one shots or as a related series called the "Lost Tapes" or something. But in the interest of getting to the nitty gritty (angst, love, fluff, maybe a Sarah and Kira chapter, what happens next?!), I'm going to push along this way. 
> 
> Please let me know if you all are even interested in a Lost Tape series. Otherwise most of their memories will only be referenced in this story. 
> 
> I took a small break from this story to cook up another. Please take a look if you're curious. A little shameless plug for "Lovesong 2018" a L Word and OB fic. Nuts, right?

Cosima sat in her room debating on which video to show Delphine first. They agreed after their first intense viewing day to take time apart to regroup and rest. At first, Cosima wanted to protest. It wasn’t what they agreed on initially and she really, really wanted to share her day with the leggy blonde. But when Delphine came out of her viewing room, she looked like she had run a marathon. Cosima could see from her puffy eyes that she had been crying. The shorter woman was sure she looked the same way. Still, Delphine smiled when their eyes locked on to one another’s and they embraced in the hall while their arrows did their familiar swirling of colors. Delphine promised that they would catch up tomorrow after breakfast, but she wanted to just be alone with her thoughts.

Now, Cosima sat on the beat up velvet couch in her room waiting for her favorite doctor to come in as she adjusted every pillow just so. 

“Bonjour, ma cherie!” Delphine said happily as she sauntered through the door. Cosima made no effort to get up and greet her, choosing instead to watch her walk over to the couch. Any opportunity to see Delphine move her body, Cosima was going to take. 

“Hey there, Doctor Smiles,” she teased. 

“So, you are not going to get up and greet me?” Delphine asked her as she stood over her. Cosima shook her head while she swung her legs onto the couch and crossed them casually. 

“Nah, you’re a big girl. You practically live here. Plus, you know you’re not the Queen of England.” she teased while she put her interlocked hands behind her head and scooted further down the couch, to take up the entire length of it. She wiggled her eyebrows at the blonde. “Come on, you big tree, move me if you can.”

“Dismantler of Dreams, you are too much.” Delphine informed her before she leaned down and started to tickle the unsuspecting brunette. Cosima squealed, kicking her legs up as soon as Delphine’s long fingers got underneath her ticklish armpits and neck. 

“Delphinnnnne!!!” she screamed excitedly as she tried to get away, but the blonde had blocked her path and now Cosima, breathless from laughing to hard, tried to reach up and tickle Delphine back, to no avail. 

“Say oncle,” Delphine demanded, her accent thicker the longer she laughed along with the brunette and as the tickle torture continued. 

“Un-UNCLE!” Cosima finally managed to get out as she curled into a ball to protect herself. 

“There.” Delphine said stopping immediately. “That is what happens when you mess with the tickle champ. And when your cheekiness is less than cute.”

“It was never ‘cute’ Delphine,” Cosima protested as she continued to breathe hard. “It’s adorable. And it’s what you love about me.”

The taller woman smiled down at the object of her affection, but kept her mouth shut. Today was the day she was going to confess a bunch of things to Cosima while they were in playful moods. But something was holding her back. Even though Cosima was looking at her now, all hopeful and smiling. Her teeth on full display and her eyes shining. She just couldn’t just open her mouth to say it. 

“What?” Cosima asked curiously as Delphine had been giving her doe eyes for a few moments and smiling but not saying anything. Cosima was sure that she matched her expression, still the doctor looked like she had a confession . 

“Can we watch your videos first?” Delphine said instead. 

“Sure.” Cosima conceded letting her off of the hook. “Will you tell me later?” 

“Bien sûr, Cosima,” she promised with a sigh. It wasn’t fair to keep her feelings for Cosima a secret, she knew that. They didn’t have a lot of time for her to be coy or fearful. Their time together had an expiration date and she promised Cosima that she would be there with her to make every moment count. Still, it was so...she couldn’t put her finger on it. No, the blonde decided, shaking her head to herself. She couldn’t tell her. At least not in this moment. 

The smaller woman had missed the entire internal dialogue as she nervously put in the disc and selected her college admissions memory first. When it was over, Cosima looked over to see Delphine stifling a laugh. “What? What is so funny about any of what you just saw?”

She couldn’t hold it in any longer. She tried to just giggle a little, but as soon as she removed her hand from her mouth a full on belly laugh erupted from her. She held her sides as she bent down to catch her breath. Her loose updo had come loose and her blonde locks fell over her shoulders she she continued to hide her face. Cosima frowned and continued to playfully scowl at her until Delphine finally sat up and ran her hands through her hair. “Goddess,” she whispered to herself, looking at the blonde dumbstruck.

“What?” Delphine asked breathlessly as she wiped her eyes. Her laugh had settle down to a few chuckles, but anytime she looked at Cosima, her laughing started up again. 

“Hey!” Cosima exclaimed pinching her side. “I was a teenager! I had a right to be awkward.”

“I know, cherie. I know. But everything was so, um,” she looked to the sky and licked her lips trying to find the right words. “Um...dated!”

“Dated?” Cosima asked for confirmation.

“Yes, um, the clothes, the phones, the music...wait, Co-si-ma…” Delphine paused, putting a supportive hand on Cosima’s shoulders. Cosima looked at the blonde seriously, effectively matching her expression. “Was that a sex jams cd?” she asked before bursting into hysterics again.

“Argh, no!” Cosima turned a dark shade of red before she picked up a pillow and tried to smother Delphine’s laughter. Delphine still in near hysterics was stronger and easily pushed the smaller woman off of her, maneuvering herself so that her full body lying flush against the brunette’s. Cosima looked up surprised and ceased all of her struggling. All of her bravado, all of her rehearsing some snappy, witty remark. It was all gone. With Delphine’s fully weight on her and her hair curtaining around their faces, words, for the first time in a very, very long time, had abandoned her. “Delphine…” she whispered as she slowly closed her eyes hoping that this was the moment that their slow dance to the moment she had been dreaming about had arrived. 

“Désolée, Cosima,” Delphine said quietly and just as quick as she was there, she was sitting on her side of the couch again. 

“I wish taking a cold shower would help me,” was all she said. Delphine hummed in agreement, but didn’t say anything for a while. Both women cleared their throats, but remained silent. Cosima stood up and adjusted her skirt and sat down. The reticent women occasionally stole glances at one another to ensure that the other wouldn’t flee, still they remained in an uncomfortable silence.

After a few minutes of heavy silence, Delphine spoke up. “What was that noise?”

“What noise?” Cosima asked grateful for a break in the quiet. 

“When you were..um...with your girlfriend...there was a noise, like a pounding almost. Does that make sense?” she asked while her eyebrows stayed creased. 

“Yes. I don’t know what that was. Like I should right? It’s my memory and all. But I just...there’s a blank space there.” she confessed in frustration. She had wracked her brain for a better part of the night, but that block in her brain had remained. “It was weird because once the memory was over, I was here again and crying. But I don’t remember that memory being sad. I mean aside from the obvious march down ‘little to no experience in sex’ lane.”

“That is weird. I had a similar issue,” Delphine confessed. She relayed the story of watching her younger self walking down the street but catching the briefest of glimpses that something wasn't right. But she couldn’t recall why that would be. 

“Yeah, well this place is weird. I’ll ask Kev about it tomorrow. I think I’m due to visit the dude. I’m sure he’s missed me.” Cosima replayed confidently. She started the second video soon after. 

When Rashida made an appearance, Cosima’s small, but sad smile did not not go unnoticed by Delphine. She may have dipped her head to hide the expression, her dreads obscuring her face to the doctor beside her, but Delphine could still make out the tiniest of expressions one has after thinking about or seeing a long lost love coming from Cosima. She sat and watched the two women on screen, feeling no feelings of jealousy of the woman that held that Cosima’s heart. She only sensed the love that the two younger women had for one another. 

When the phone rang and Cosima answered it, Delphine noticed that her Cosima tensed up just as the younger version did. “Your father?” she asked. Cosima nodded and blinked, but remained tense and quiet. Delphine wanting to drag Cosima away from the dark mood would easily slip into, rubbed her knee and cuddled closer to her and resting her head on the shorter woman’s shoulder. Just to give her some reassurance. The brunette turned to kiss the top of Delphine’s head, then her temple. Before she reached her lips, Delphine pulled away and turned Cosima’s head back to the screen. 

More minutes went by as Delphine began to lazily trace circles on Cosima’s thigh. Cosima tried to play it cool and breathe normally, but if Delphine had been more focused on her than on the television, she would know what her absent minded touches were doing to her. 

“You’re naked!” Delphine exclaimed excitedly digging her nails into thighs from the shock of it, as the Cosima on screen hopped out of bed to dig in her bag. 

Cosima had forgotten about that part and blushed an even deeper shade of red than before. She tried to play it off by saying, “Well if you like that, just imagine that plus a few more years of neglect and stress. That’s hot right? And it’s all yours.” she remarked playfully. Her intentions were to first stop Delphine from pointing out every embarrassing thing that appeared on screen and to shift her focus on maybe getting a little physical with the very real, and very willing version on herself. 

But Delphine didn’t budge. She was too enamored by the younger version of the woman stammering and looking at Rashida like she was the only woman in the world. She was witnessing for the first time, that Cosima when in love, (or stuck in a place where you’re incapable of lying) her face, her face full of naked expression said everything before she spoke. She hoped that Cosima would one day come close to looking at her like that. She had been in love before, sure. But the power, the sheer strength of Cosima Niehaus’ gaze on her lover was unlike anything she witnessed. And she had heard every advance the Cosima sitting next to her threw her way, and she would normally roll her eyes playfully, or engage in the banter, but this moment in front of her was such a profound moment in this woman’s life, she couldn’t look away. She was witnessing Cosima make a decision that shaped her adult life. How could she not watch with intense focus?

“Come on, Frenchie, I’m throwing softballs out here,” Cosima protested. 

“Shhhh...what did you grab from your bag?” she asked curiously.

“I’m confused. Can I talk or do you want to be surprised?”

“Hush!” She admonished her again. 

Cosima rolled her eyes and watched the screen with occasional glances at the blonde. With Delphine looking so intently at the screen, the memory didn’t seem so dire. “It is kinda sweet,” she finally said. 

“Cosima,” she said her voice breaking. “That was...so” she turned to Cosima again while the tears rolled down her face. “You loved her very much,” she finally said after Cosima on screen nervously proposed. 

“Well, yeah,” Cosima agreed like it was the most obvious thing. “I wanted her to be my wife. Love is kind of the baseline to proposing.” Try as she might, Cosima couldn’t stop her own tears from making their way down her face once Delphine turned to her. 

“Yes, but Cosima,” Delphine began patiently. She licked her lips and took the bottom one by the teeth as she struggled to find the right words. “You...you had passion for her. Your energy together was like a tornado. Your friend saw it, just as I do.” 

Cosima looked down at her hands, embarrassed. Suddenly she felt so naked, in a way she hadn’t really felt since she was with Rashida. “I gave her everything,” she confessed quietly. “But we hurt each other with the same amount of force that we loved each other.” 

“Je comprends,” she responded simply. 

“Do you?” Cosima asked sincerely.

“Oui, I understand hurting the one you love the most with all of the tools at your disposal.”

“You don’t think I’m a horrible person?”

“Cosima, from what I have just witnessed, you are anything but. In fact, you appear to be one of the sweetest, most thoughtful people I have ever met.” she said with conviction. 

“You don’t know me very well then.” Cosima said pouting. 

“Tu es tort. I can see right through all of your armor. You are sweet. Do not fight me on this.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Cosima replied brightening a little. 

“Besides, you still owe me one more video.” 

“I do,” Cosima said before she broke out into the biggest smile of the night. She moved the arrow on screen until it hovered over the video simply titled, “Oh, God, she’s here!” Cosima grabbed Delphine’s hand and set it on her lap. “This is probably my most favorite day.” she said tearing up despite her wide smile. Together the two women who were becoming closer by the hour sat together on Cosima’s dusty old couch and watched a movie. It felt for the first time in a very strange way like they were just two people getting to know each other curled up and watching a movie. 

“You really love her, don’t you?” Delphine asked after the video ended. 

“Cosima smiled sadly. “Yeah, she’s my niece. And she’s special.”

“I can tell. You must be very proud of her.” Delphine said quietly as to not disturb Cosima’s time to resettle after witnessing Kira’s birth again. 

“As a peacock,” she replied laughing a little through her quiet sniffling. 

Delphine smiled back at her as she moved to kneel in front of Cosima. “Do you want to take a break, grab some food?” As she looked at the small window and noticed that what passed as the sun had set and darkness complete with bright stars were in its place. 

She nodded and wiped her eyes on her sleeves. “Yeah, it’d be good. Can we just bring it back?”

“Yes. And we must have wine and truffles. I think we’ve earned it.”

“Didn’t you have wine and truffles last night?”

“Are you keeping track of what I eat now?” Delphine teased back. 

“No, I love a girl with a sweet tooth and a taste for the finer things in the after-life,” 

“Brat,” she answered as she slapped Cosima’s arm. She stood and held out her hand. 

“Yeah, but I’m your brat.” Cosima said right back. “And I forgot to tell you that you looked very beautiful today.” The smaller woman pulled her into a hug. She needed Delphine’s strength today more than she realized. As she held her, she wondered, if this was how she felt rewatching happy memories, how would she do once the bad ones started. 

Delphine blushed, though she hoped she was discreet about it. But she could tell by Cosima’s lopsided grin that she had failed and Cosima had won her over again with flattery. 

“Don’t worry Cormier. I won’t tell Kev that I bagged me a girl that loves to be showered in compliments. Your secret’s safe with me.”

“Delphine chuckled lowly, squeezing the brunette tightly once more before letting go. “Merci, Cosima. And I won’t tell Damon that you have a sex jams cd.” she retorted. 

“Hey! That was in the past!” Cosima protested as she pouted, with folded arms and everything. 

“Cosima…” Delphine said as she held back another giggle fit, “was it not you that had Color Me Badd playing in an effort to seduce me?”

“Ha!” Cosima exclaimed holding out a finger towards Delphine . “You loved that, otherwise you wouldn’t have remembered.”

“Non,” she said steadily. “I remember because it made you look like a, um...what was the word you used? Ah yes, a cornball.” she smiled, feeling triumphant when Cosima lowered her finger in defeat. “Now come on,” she continued while she led them arm in arm towards the food hall. “I will let you pick which of my memories we watch first.” Cosima brightened a little. 

“Can I?” she asked switching gears and looking at Delphine with some nervousness. 

“Anytime, ma cherie.” Delphine answered holding out her hand. Cosima flashed her bright smile at the woman taking a hold of heart while she reached for and squeezed Delphine’s hand. 

“Thank you for giving me strength today.” she said quietly as they moved across the fast moving crowd around them. 

“Anything to return what you have already given me, mon am-, Cosima,” Delphine replied, hoping that Cosima couldn’t and at least didn’t notice her slip up. Cosima of course knew exactly what the nervous doctor was about to say. But she wasn’t ready to say it outloud. But Cosima, well she knew. She was all too aware of their arrows. The arrows had merged in their unique colors, swirled brightly beneath their feet, propelling them to food. And maybe one day, to the next step. Hopefully swirling colors together.


	11. Day 16: Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With their time together coming to an end, what started out as a simple conversation between Delphine and Cosima, turns into much more than they ever could have anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, 
> 
> Boy howdy! This chapter was meant to be a filler chapter before the story picked up again. But the heart wants what it wants. So here's a chapter filled with sweet confessions and sexy times. 
> 
> Thank you all for taking the time to read this strange little story of mine. I didn't think when I started writing this last year, that it would take to the places that it has (and will). And that is in very large part to all of you who have commented, sent me messages, and just left kudos. Many, many thanks and câlins to all of you! Happy reading! 
> 
> \- ModernGirl

Cosima laid her head on Delphine’s lap as they relaxed in the quiet just enjoying the calm times before their work had to begin again. The two would be lovers often sought refuge in each other’s rooms. This afternoon, Cosima quietly pondered a question that had been plaguing her all day. She chewed the inside of her lip while she absently stroked Delphine’s stomach underneath her loose cotton t-shirt. 

“Hey Delphine?” Cosima asked to break the silence. 

“Oui, Cosima?” She laid down fully on the bed and encouraged Cosima to meet her at the head of it. It was clear from Cosima’s tone that she wanted to talk. 

“What do you miss...about being, I mean, you know...home?” she asked looking in the Delphine’s shining eyes. 

Delphine smiled a little before she closed her eyes. She took a took deep breath as if the action could take her back to when her body required her lungs to inflate and deflate, for her tender heart to continue to pump. “The sun. Non, the sunshine. You know, the heat of the sun?”

Cosima hummed, closing her eyes to recall the feeling. “Yeah, the heat from the sun is good.” she agreed. “This place it has heat from the sun, though.”

Delphine shook her head. “It is not the same. The heat here is different. It feels like the memory of the sun, but not the sun’s heat itself. Tu comprend?”

“I think so. Like the intensity of the sun that you miss, wouldn’t be mine. Like you might think a sticky, no wind 95 degree day is gorgeous; and I love a solid 75 to 77 degree day with a little of the bay breeze. Right?”

“Oui.” She replied quietly as a small appreciative smile graced her lips. Cosima matched her smile before Delphine leaned in and kissed her gently, almost shyly. The smaller of the two women leaned in while her knuckle brushed Delphine’s cheek lightly. 

Cosima sighed into the kiss. She was a goner. There wasn’t a woman that she ever met during her life that reduced to mush with such a gentle kiss. There was only one word Cosima could think of when Delphine kissed her like this: puddle. She was a puddle, she had fallen into a puddle, she was gladly drowning in a puddle, just  _ puddle.  _ As Delphine pulled away, she spied Cosima’s eyes sparkling with mischief, but there was something else there. 

“What? Why are you laughing?”

“The word puddle is weird.” she replied simply. Delphine looked at her oddly, but she knew better to pull that thread. She learned the hard way that if she asked Cosima what she meant, she risked spending the afternoon trapped in Cosima’s highly analytical, sophisticated stoner mind. 

“D’accord, Cosima,” she said simply as she leaned again to kiss the now chuckling brunette. 

Cosima leaned away this time, though her body was screaming for her to just go for it and maybe more. She sighed and shook her head. “No, you can’t kiss me like that, Delphine,” she said in a mock chastising tone. “You don’t want to know why I was thinking about puddles while you were kissing me?”

“Non. And we were kissing each other, cherie. Me kissing you implies that you were not involved in the action. That I just took advantage.”

“Well I wasn’t gonna say it. I’m too polite,” she joked. 

“Brat,” Delphine responded by hitting Cosima in the face with a pillow. 

“Hey, watch it! I don’t know if my glasses can break or not.”

Delphine wound up to hit her again, ditching the idea at the last minute to lean in and capture the playful brunette’s lips with her own again. 

And Cosima, taken by surprise didn’t pull away this time. Instead she tugged Delphine’s arm lightly to encourage her to climb on top of her. Delphine obliged and the two resumed their kiss, deepening it with each passing, heat building moment. 

Delphine’s head was swimming. She couldn’t remember being kissed like this ever. In her quiet moments, she often wondered if it was just the intensity of this place, or if it was the brunette. Maybe it was the fact that they were taking every step so slowly that she felt an even greater pull towards Cosima. In reality if Cosima insisted even a little bit, she would be more than happy to finally sleep with her. But Cosima never did insist, not seriously anyway. 

“Delphine,” Cosima whispered between kisses. Delphine opened her eyes to see Cosima staring at her through lidded eyes. 

“Yes,” she answered. 

“You’re rocking on top of me,” Cosima said seriously as she cleared her throat in an attempt to regain her composure. “Do you want to?” she asked with a glimmer of hope in her voice. The question hung in the air for an eternity. Cosima watched the conflicted emotions dance across Delphine’s face. She was conflicted for sure, but ultimately unreadable. 

Delphine stilled her movements. She hadn’t realized that her body had been doing that, but Cosima just felt so...magnificent beneath her. She leaned down, her hair shielding both of their faces and whispered, “Not yet. Not so close to the day. Is that ok?”

Cosima nodded but bit her top lip and stared at Delphine’s again. “You should probably get off of me then. You feel really good and I’m about a hair’s breadth from grabbing your hips to keep you going.” she replied as her eyes roamed over Delphine’s body. 

Delphine grinned and rolled off of her. “Merci cherie,” she said quietly. “I appreciate you being so patient with me.”

Cosima looked at her confused. “Of course, Delphine. I don’t want to do anything until your ready. I’ll never rush you.” she swore crossing her heart. 

Delphine smiled a little, more from appreciation of Cosima’s thoughtfulness. She hadn’t really giving herself a chance to come to terms with why she wouldn’t just take the next step with Cosima. When she had allowed herself to think of it a little, part of her got irritated with the usually cocky brunette because she hadn't pushed. All the stories that Cosima had shared with the deceased doctor would indicate that she was a woman that did not take no for an answer. Now here, she was the perfect...friend...girlfriend...kissing pal? She didn’t know what to call Cosima and it was another thing she neglected to think too deeply about. “You don’t have to cross your heart here, Cosima. It is impossible to lie,” she said instead of voicing her concerns. 

“I know,” the brunette countered. “But you know a good faith crossing of the heart is always good too.” Cosima watched the blonde carefully. Saw her eyes dance about the room before she spoke again. Irritated was the expression she held the longest before her expression became neutral. There was so much to Delphine Cormier. So much she wanted to ask, so much she wanted to experience with her. But all they were just past experiences. Memories living within the living. They were just...stories.

“What are you thinking, Cosima?” Delphine asked as soon as she felt Cosima go into her head. Grabbing her chin slightly, she pulled the former scientist’s face to meet hers. Gently she held her chin in her hands, caressing her slowly. She may not know a lot about the quirky brunette, but she knew this action always calmed and focused her. 

Cosima hummed contently staring into the doctor’s bright green eyes. “So many things,” she answered quietly. “But mostly I was wishing I had more time.”

“I know.” Delphine agreed. “To have more time to work out what these videos mean and how they wi-”

“With you, Delphine.” Cosima clarified. “I wish I had more time with you.” She smiled gently, her eyes remained soft as her hand came up to twirl the loose tendrils of the blonde’s hair. Sitting up she began as Delphine followed. “I mean, I don’t know what we are. I don’t know the purpose of all this. Why we just don’t die and then there’s nothing. It’s all too heavy.” she paused to reflect again before she made a decision to say what had been on her mind since the first night she spent with the captivating woman. 

“But?” Delphine asked holding her breath. 

“But I wished that I could get to know so much more about, just you. I feel so incredibly cheated. Everytime we part I’m reminded that our connection is temporary, that we’ll just lose each other in...less than a month. 

Delphine had been looking over Cosima patiently, but she hadn’t caught her meaning just yet. “Well, what is it that you want to know?” she asked innocently. 

Cosima’s bright smile returned as she looked down at hers and Delphine’s feet. “So much,” she said simply. “Like, I want to know why you wear those fluffy pink socks in the bed. Why don’t you wear the same socks that you walk around in in the bed? I want to know what your hair looks like first thing in the morning, what you’re like when you’re sick, the faces you make when you’re making love to someone for the first time. What do you do to chase away the boredom? When was the last time on earth that you cried? What makes you laugh every time without fail? What it’s like to play you music for the first time and you love it...or hate it. Your face. Your face says so much and I want to see it change while you just live through those things.” Cosima sped through the list as it popped in her head, but it was by no means the only things that she wanted to know about the doctor. Her hands danced their familiar dance when she got excited or extremely verbal. “Sorry that was a lot,” she finally said after a period of silence in which Delphine looked at her with another unreadable expression. 

Delphine’s heart felt like it was beating aggressively in her chest and she felt short of breath. “Comment?” she asked under her breath. 

“How what?” Cosima asked looking over at the dumbstruck blonde. She had worried that she said too much too fast and scared her away.

“How, I wonder. How you have managed to crawl inside of my soul and plant your goodness within me.”

Cosima smiled. The sentiment was sweet, but confusing. “What? I don’t get it.” she said gently with a smirk planted on her face. At least Delphine wasn’t scared of her rambling, she thought. 

“I love you, Cosima.” Delphine confessed. The words rushed out of her mouth so quickly that they almost sounded like one long nonsense word. 

“Huh?” Cosima asked. “I’m sorry the accent and the garbled words, I didn’t understand. I’m sorry,” she apologized again because she could tell from Delphine’s face that whatever she just said was hard for her. 

Delphine cleared her throat and took one of Cosima’s hands to place on her heart. “Je t’aime.” she said quietly looking into the brunette’s sparkling eyes. “Is that ok,” she asked. She realized that maybe Cosima never wanted to hear that from her. Since the brunette often talked about being here for such a short time, maybe knowing Delphine loved her when they would eventually part would be too painful. 

Cosima nodded her head. “Oh,  _ love  _ me!” she responded cheekily. “Yeah, I knew that already.” she said shrugging as she removed her hand from Delphine to cup her cheek gently. “And before you ask how, I’ll tell you.” Closing her own eyes to gather strength she opened them slowly to reveal to Delphine that she loved her too. “Don’t you see it Dr. Cormier?” she asked. “Can’t you see it plain on my face that I love you too? Have loved you for so long.” She smiled. Her eyes were sad, but she was happy. “But you wanted to know how I knew about you, right?” she asked to which Delphine nodded but still sat silent stunned by Cosima’s own confession. “I can see it from you, Delphine. You look at me like a woman in love. It’s the same look you gave to Jean-Michel when he proposed. I was waiting for the day that you turned to me and gave me that look. And one day you did, but you stayed quiet about it.” She shrugged, sheepish that she had been talking about love for so long while Delphine said nothing. 

“So you have been keeping that from me?” Delphine asked good naturedly. 

“No, it just wasn’t my place to call you out on it. I know your history Delphine and I wouldn’t push anything on you.” She shook her head for emphasis. “I’ll never,  _ ever  _ push you.” 

Delphine sat speechless. Everything that she had prepared to answer was gone out of the window the longer Cosmia spoke of love and respecting her boundaries. She just chuckled finally, just to make any sort of sound. 

Cosima chuckled along with her, more from confusion and nervousness. “What?”

“The Dismantler of Dreams’ is in love with me!” she said excitedly. “C’est trop bien,” she said simply as she continued to laugh. 

Cosima’s eyes bugged at the mentioned of her least favorite nickname. “Hey, no fair. I thought you forgot about that name!” she said grabbing a pillow and smacking the doctor in the face. But Delphine continued to laugh because she was so happy. And in the end Cosima joined in because the name didn’t matter anymore now that she was dead, but Delphine loving her, that was everything. 

“Cosima?” Delphine asked after a few minutes of more playful laughter. 

“Yeah, love?” Cosima asked trying out the new name. She smiled to herself because it tasted good in her mouth. 

“I think that, ehm…” She hesitated while Cosima looked her over quizzically, her head bent to the side in curiosity. Delphine exhaled hard biting the side of her bottom lip in order to continue, but the words just weren’t there so she decided to leave them lost in the deep recesses in her brain. Instead she pulled her shirt over her head revealing her bare chest and toned stomach to Cosima for the first time. 

Cosima blinked and stared, but words were missing from her too. She wondered if this was them being nervous around each other or if this place, this world affected one’s speech after huge confessions like theirs. But her eyes worked and they scanned Delphine’s body appreciatively. To level the playing field, she removed her own shirt and bra. She blinked again, suddenly very nervous what this meant. 

“Amour, you’re staring at me as if you have never seen another woman’s body before. And your own confessed reputation suggests that you have seen hundreds.” Delphine joked to break the obvious tension between them. 

Cosima rolled her eyes but was thankful for the distraction. “It wasn’t hundreds. Besides you’re looking me over like I’m a steak or something.” she said making note of Delphine’s almost predatory gaze. She was astonished at the speed in which Delphine’s nervousness left her and when this new Delphine came to play. 

Delphine smiled a little and blinked softly. “Désolée, amour.” she said sincerely, while she moved to straddle Cosima’s legs. The shorter woman continued to look over her love in awe as Delphine’s hair took on a brighter color. Delphine ran her hand through her own hair, effortlessly tossing it to one side. A giant pile of golden waves, Cosima just looked, looked at her hair, her eyes, her lips. She was hopeless. 

“Breathe, Cosima.” Delphine reminded her even as she was unsure if they needed breath in order to survive here. Since Cosima was too transfixed by the turn of events, Delphine decided to get everything moving by leaning in and capturing the brunette’s lips with her own. In place of their usual gentle kisses meant to explore and reassure, the doctor kissed Cosima as if she meant to possess her. To put literal and figurative marks on the business woman beneath her. 

Cosima snapped out of her trance once Delphine’s soft lips met hers. And she returned it with just as much determination. Their kisses were hard and wet, their breathing harsh. They kissed like a switch had finally been flipped on, like the shackles that held them were finally shaken free. Their respective clothes were shed just as quickly and without care. Soon, the two love birds were laying next to each other fully bare for the first time. 

To break the tension, Cosima asked, “So, I take it from your lack of hesitation in disrobing me, that this is not your first time with a woman?”

Delphine shrugged. “Because I undressed you quickly, you decided that it means that I have not had sexual relations with women?”

“Whoa, women? Wow, I was talking about maybe one. But it looks like we got a player over here.” she said playfully as her hand ran down Delphine’s arm. 

Delphine rolled her eyes, pushing Cosima down on the bed and climbing back on top of her. “There really is no way to silence you, is there?”

“Not when you’re up there. Not when I’ve got you naked. I kinda feel like I already won.” she replied resting her hands behind her head. 

The blonde looked down at the cocky American amused. Cosima really had no idea what she was in for and maybe it was better to let her think that she was in charge of the encounter. That she wouldn’t be begging Delphine to not stop in a while. “Perhaps you are right,” Delphine answered. 

Cosima nodded in agreement. In truth, her playful attitude served many purposes. The first and most important was to keep Delphine comfortable. She hadn’t forgotten any of the stories that the French woman confided in her in the dark of her room. Cosima respected her boundaries, wouldn’t do anything to cross them. And the easiest way was to let Delphine take the lead, let her guide Cosima’s hands, her mouth, anything she wanted. Still she was curious how many times Delphine had done this with other women and everytime Delphine had dodged the question. 

“What do you like, amour?” Delphine asked as she leaned down to Cosima’s neck. She didn’t wait for the former scientist to answer before she ran her tongue along Cosima’s rapidly thudding pulse. 

Cosima groaned, surprised that Delphine had taken her cue of running the show without prompting. And Delphine taking control, surprisingly she was into. But the blond’s tongue on her pulse point, was everything she didn’t know she needed. When Delphine nipped at her neck, she involuntarily bucked into the doctor. 

“What kind of answer is that?” Delphine asked her. Cosima could hear the self-satisfied smirk no doubt gracing Delphine’s lips. Normally, this was when she would turn her lover over and take control. But this woman above her, with her blonde curls cascading over her shoulders, curtaining both of their faces, left her speechless, immobile. “I...I li-like a lot of things, baby.” she struggled to get out.

“Oui?” Delphine whispered in a low tone as the thigh between Cosima’s legs slid against the brunette. Cosima moaned, grabbing Delphine’s biceps. Her head thrown back she answered, “Yes.”

Delphine giggled a little. Cosima, the grand seductress was beneath her moments away from begging. She liked this level of control. Honestly she was giddy and honored. When she began to make moves on Cosima she hadn’t dreamed that Cosima would so willingly let her please her first. Still, with Cosima’s skin getting hot, her neck, already red and bruised from her enthusiasm to taste the brunette, Delphine knew she had better concentrate. 

“Delphine...Delphine please. You tease too much,” Cosima whined as her hips rhythmically sought more friction from the french doctor above her. The shorter of the two women tried to grab one of Delphine’s hands to touch her, to end her torture, but Delphine pulled away, choosing to keep her thigh right against the writhing brunette. She instead leaned down to reach Cosima’s ear to whisper. “I will touch you, mon amour. I will touch you when I think you are ready.” And to punctuate her point, she nipped Cosima’s ear eliciting an extended moan from Cosima. Delphine voice, which had gotten huskier the longer their bodies rocked against each other was driving Cosima up a wall. If she had any money to give and Delphine asked her for some, she would give her all of it. 

The doctor did put more weight onto Cosima, her thigh now making meaningful contact with Cosima’s drenched center. Both woman threw their heads back then. Cosima caught sight of Delphine’s body long and extended raised and bowed above her. Her mouth was open and emitted an unabashed moan as her hair surrounded her. Cosima blinked figuring this was as close to heaven as she was going to get when Delphine settled her body down again and took a nipple into her mouth, gently sucking it to elicit a response from the shorter woman.

“Holy Lana Turner!” she shouted as electricity started to run rampant through her body. Instead of reaching for Delphine to touch her to end her torment, she grabbed one hand to touch her other breast, which the doctor obliged. Delphine licked around and under Cosima’s breasts in between blowing cool air around her very erect nipples. She continued to moan as she took turns taking each nipple in her mouth and Cosima in turn continued to lose all sense of herself. Her hips were now erratically rocking along Delphine’s coated leg, but the doctor made no moves to help her reach her conclusion. She continued to move slowly around Cosima’s chest, her stomach, then up again for an extended kiss. The tongues danced for dominance, but still Delphine didn’t touch her. 

Rather Delphine descended Cosima sweaty body kissing her way down once again. This time she reached Cosima’s sex and became overcome from the smell of her love. She pressed her nose into the brunette’s damp curls and inhaled. It took everything in her to keep from crying out in her own pleasure. Cosima bucked again at the contact, narrowly missing Delphine’s face. The doctor moved away, she decided she didn’t want Cosima that way for their first time together. So she grabbed one of Cosima’s thighs and licked all of the slickness she found there. Tasting Cosima for the first time, Delphine’s vision was bombarded with the same colors as the former scientist’s arrows. The colors were warm and dynamic and they felt like the essence of Cosima. 

“Cosima,” Delphine whispered and her voice traveled up the named woman’s legs, up her quivering her stomach, her heaving chest, and her open mouth desperate for air, before it reached her ears. 

“Please,” Cosima begged sincerely. Somehow the air around the room was unbearably hot and she knew that when Delphine finally touched her she would either burst into flames or be comforted with merciful cooler air. “Delphine,” she whispered as she attempted and succeeded at grabbing at the blonde’s tresses. Delphine acquiesced moving slowly back up Cosima’s body while her blunt nails teased the brunette, dragging along her thigh, stopping at Cosima’s overflowing sex. Delphine and Cosima each licked their lips simultaneously in anticipation. “Please,” she whispered against Delphine’s lips. The doctor kissed her gently while her descended hand lightly grazed the exposed nub of the former scientist. Cosima groaned in Delphine’s ear and pulled her body tight against her. “More,” she quietly demanded. 

“Have I missed the window to touch you like this, amour?” she asked her face inches from Cosima’s, again smirking though her own body was on fire from the first contact of Cosima’s clit. 

Cosima just nodded. She gripped the hand playing in her curls and moved it downward. “Go inside me, Delphine,” she said in a moment of clarity. “Take me.”

Delphine’s eyebrow lifted at the demand. But she could deny Cosima no longer. Two strong fingers moved inside the brunette agonizingly slow. The doctor moved within the shorter woman exploring, trying to determine which angle, what kind of stroke Cosima preferred. Anytime Cosima lifted her hips as if searching for the feeling to progress, Delphine made a note and did something a little different the next time. All of it was slow, all of it was a slow, slow unwinding of Cosima’s resolve. She knew Delphine knew how to touch her by now, but she was taking her time. She hated it and craved it at the same time. While she moved inside her, her fingers hooking upward to her g-spot, Cosima looked upon her new lover’s face. Her face was flushed, her eyes were dark and her lips, plump and bruised from kissing; she was heaven. She was Cosima’s. “I love you,” Cosima uttered as her body started to vibrate a little from Delphine’s motions inside her. 

“Je t’aime aussi, Cosima,” Delphine struggled to get out. Her fingers were getting squeezed by Cosima’s walls. The brunette’s legs were wrapped tightly against the taller woman. The end was near. The first time would be over soon and the anticipation of witnessing Cosima’s face as she broke apart in front of her, excited her to no end. She groaned, then gasped as if she were about to come herself. 

“Please don’t stop, Delphine. Please,” Cosima repeated over and over as her body lifted higher and higher off of the bed. Delphine lifted up to give her lover space to lose control. Her knee offered her more support as she increased her speed within her love. Cosima’s voice climbed higher and higher, the veins in her neck became visible, and her pulse raced. 

“Come for me, Cosima,” Delphine commanded placing one hand on her love’s belly to steady her. “Do not hold back. Release yourself.” She spoke gently, yet firmly as her dominant hand moved even faster working the brunette to her end. “Cosima,” she called out simply. 

Cosima’s every breath became an inhale. More and more oxygen entered her body as she lifted higher and higher from the bed. When she finally exhaled, she lost it. She closed her eyes briefly and everything became silent. She felt her vocal cords vibrating, felt her body lifting then falling on the bed, only to start shuddering. But she couldn’t hear any of it. She couldn’t hear any of Delphine’s words, only the vibrations of her voice around the room. No, all she saw was light. Blinding, golden light. Delphine’s ray. And in that moment, surrounded by the woman she loved’s light, she broke apart. She actually felt her body break apart piece by piece until she was floating atoms moving about the room. She was only consciousness and Delphine’s light. 

An eternity went by before Cosima felt stitched together again. More time went by before she could properly open her eyes. But when she did, Delphine was there, caressing her face and whisper something french in her ear. She smiled, understanding none of it. But she took a big breath. It felt like the first clear breath after being rescued from drowning.  She smiled and turned to the woman that stole her heart so completely. “I, um...I don’t know what that was,” was all she could think to say. 

“I believe the word is ‘orgasm’ amour,” Delphine teased, moving a stray dread behind her love’s ear. 

Cosima chuckled lowly. Even if she tried to describe what happened to her it wouldn’t be enough. “You’re incredible,” she said instead. Delphine blushed, her bravado now safely tucked away from taking Cosima again. 

“Merci,” she said shyly. “I wanted to demonstrate how much I care for you,” she told Cosima sincerely. 

Cosima closed her eyes and hummed. “I think you proved your point.” she joked as her body continue to tremble from their earlier activities. 

“I would like to do that again,” Delphine told her lover bluntly. “Often if that is alright with you.” Cosima looked over at the woman she loved, her crooked grin making an appearance once again. 

“I think we can make it work.” Suddenly she sat up, pushing Delphine on her back. “Now,” she started as she mounted the taller woman. “Allow me to return blah, blah, blah. Just get prepared to be...Shit.” she finally said at a loss for words. There was only one phrase she had to describe how she wanted Delphine. It just struck her as facentating that it all happened so fast. 

“What, mon coeur?” Delphine asked as her cupping her cheeks gently. 

Cosima gazed at the woman beneath her. Her hair flared out along the pillows, a few strands stuck to her sweaty head. Cosima was sure that her own eyes matched the doctor’s lidded eyes. She exhaled and leaned down to kiss Delphine gently along her jaw, down her neck, before she looked up to speak again. “I’m going to devour you,” she growled. Delphine’s breath got caught in her throat, but Cosima didn’t wait for her to respond. She smoothly moved down the doctor’s body intent on making good on her promise. 

“Cosima, get your alarm,” Delphine urged the slumbering brunette. When Cosima didn’t move, Delphine put the offending alarm next to the brunette’s ear. She stirred, but remained asleep. “Oh, mon dieu. Cosima!” Nothing, she was knocked out. Delphine sighed. Unfortunately Cosima was the only one that could turn off this shrill instrument that woke her up immediately. Thinking of nothing else, she began to nimble on Cosima’s ear in an attempt to rouse her. 

“Hmmm, Delphine come on, we just got to sleep.” she muttered. 

“I know mon amour. So take your alarm and get out of my room.” Delphine said in her ear. 

Cosima grumbled, reaching for and shutting the noise off. Scratching her head she looked over at Delphine. “Sorry about that. I should go. I have an appointment with Kevin in...30 minutes.” Delphine threw the pillow Cosima had been sleeping on over her head.

“Then go, amour. I must sleep and recover,” she answered grouchy. 

“Ok, note to self Delphine is not a morning person,” she observed as she started to dress. 

“Cosima,” she hissed, looking at the brunette with one very cranky eye open. “Take your silly dialogue to your room. I will see you for lunch, mon coeur. Now go away.”

Cosima looked at the woman fully amused. “Ah, so that’s what you look like first thing in the morning. Alright, I’ll go. I love you,” she said by the door. After she shut it quietly, she leaned against the door. She was exhausted for sure, but she was also elated. Never in a million years did she think that she and Delphine would end up where they did. Making love all night, whispering loving endearments in two languages. She decided last night was everything as she slipped back into her own room. 

  
After a shower and a few quick bites of food leftover in her fridge she was ready to meet up with her counselor. She grabbed a jumbo coffee container and made her way to the door. But a note slid under it before she had a chance to open it. The curious business woman opened the door quickly to see who dropped it off, but she was met with the usual bustle of the city. She shrugged, picking the folded paper up. Balancing the travel mug in one hand and the note in the other, Cosima had to read the note twice in order to fully comprehend its meaning.  **_There is a way out of this if you want. Do not share with Kevin OR Delphine._ **


End file.
